~Life Sucks~

2010-12-11T01:07:00.001+08:00

sorry...

2010-07-10T04:38:00.001+08:00

loving you is something that i never regret on. as u know i'm not those type who have patience level high, is not to say you wan me change means i can change. it's born in me, there is nothing i can do but to give it time to change, but time is the thing that you never gave me.

yes, you might say you gave me months to change, but do you really think months time can really change something that is in you for so so many years? i feel hurt of things have became like this, i was really looking forward on being back to KL this week, watching movie and going to the beach with you on Sunday, but in the end, this is what happen. you wanted me to bring you to the beach, in order to touched your heart, you wants to go to Broga Hill to watch sun rise, i also wish i could go there with you, but have you ever think that i'm in kampar, not in PJ, not say want go means go. all this needs planning and i already tried so hard to plan my time, arrange my time and things so that i could have time to go back KL in order to go out with you.

when upset you want me to not leave you alone, but do you know that if i don't things will get worst. i already told you before, when people are in unstable state, things screws up easily. for the past few days im really upset and down...please don't think that i enjoy or feel glad how things are as now...im also a normal human, i also feel pain and sad.

receiving your message i am happy, but seeing how you condemned me saying i a liar, saying as if i purposely make you fall for me and hurting you and all it really hurts me a lot. you made me forget about Evonne, you made me believe in love, and you also took it away as how you think i did. yes, you took the 1st move of sms-ing me, but why is it i have to tum you 1st? is it that important who tum who? you were just waiting for me to tum you 1st, as you always wanted. but if you care about this relationship so much there won't be any things about saying who 1st and whos 2nd. i really don't know how things will be i future between us, 1 thing for sure is you will never change and you won't give me the time to change, all you wanted is to see me change immediately, but i believe you know that it doesn't works this way.

i know you are feeling very hurt and upset now, but i can tell you, same goes to me. i don't feel any much better than you do. because i do really love you and care about this relationship. but all i just can say is that it won't work as the way we wants it to be. because we are those really stubborn type by having our own principle to hold on to. but this doesn't mean i don't care and feel hurt. thank you for calling me a liar, this really makes me of not wanting to carry on this suffering because in future, all you does is only think it as a lie and calling me a liar. don't blame me for all the things when we both know both also at fault, for once im asking please be fair to me. i know where is my fault and here i sincerely say sorry to you.

you don't want to believe in love anymore, so do i. it took me a lot of effort to believe in you when we 1st started with all about your ex, but then, you just didn't know the pain i when thru. you think now i hurt you, but you just never knew that for the past 7 months, i was hurting all the way. from the 1st day about your ex till all this happen. thank you, because you, i realise that being good and sincere to a person is called as a liar. thank you for telling me that i can be myself when it was just a lie of your. you can't accept me for who i am, i can't force you. pain hurt is a process that everyone have to go thru, but once again you made me feel hurt and pain more than Evonne did. thanks for blaming me for everything.

no title...

2010-05-29T02:17:00.002+08:00

Wow, it's really been more than a year since i last blog in here...hahaha...guess i didn't want to depend on the blog to express myself when i'm feeling down, but then, guess i don't have much choice but to blog again...hopefully no one is reading anymore so i can just blog all i want about my heart.

during this more than 1 year of not blogging, this change a lot in my life. i don't know to consider it as a good or bad thing. yes, once again i try to put my whole heart in to love someone ever since i move on from CLC lifes. but guess again, i was wrong. why does all this have to happen to me? why is it when ever i puts my whole heart in but in return this is what i get. being together with KW is a happy moment to me, yes, there are ups and downs in every relationship. but then, in the end, it's all the same. one thing i realize is that nothing have change except for the characters. hahahah....

letting go and moving on is not an easy task as people think it is, it's not as saying 'if you don't throw the old clothes away, how are you gonna be able to wear new clothes'. getting together with KW really have made me putting all my efforts in. tolerating, respecting, loving, and caring is all from what i have really feel and wanted to give it out. but, no matter what i have done, its either never enough for her, or everything i have done is a wrong thing to do. trying to be there by your side when everytime you pushes me away is not easy, often arguing over my past and some stupid small matter is not a feeling or situation that i want to be in. i am tired, tired of repeating it over and over again when you already know the whole story. you leave me no choice but to keep everything in my heart and not daring to tell you when i know what are the outcomes are.

today is the 1st day where you have said break up, god knows for how many hundred times. not contacting the whole day or when i sends a message, all i gets is 'you like how than how, i don't want to discuss it'. getting this type of message really breaks my heart. all this while you only cared about your own feelings, i just want to ask you, when have you ever cared about my feelings? when have you ever appreciate this relationship or me? i really don't know. you said everytime after arguement, i always leaves you alone, then may i ask what about you? didn't you? now, i'm just waiting for the time when you will officially say that you want to end this for good. i know the piles in me is not gonna hold on for long, i will just have to hold on till the day it collapes.

guess this is the only place where i can really expressed my own feeling. now i'm back to square one, everything remains the same as 3 years back. i just want to cry in my own room and be in my comfort zone before i leave back to kampar where i have to put on a mask to live for a very long time. i can just depend on this page again....

*p/s : stay strong brian, everything is gonna be alright, everything will be fine (ya right, like its gonna be la....HAHAHAHAHA) whatever is gonna happen, let it be...as i said, wound are seen till the flesh, and time is the only medicine to heal it up, even it heals, there are scars. and YOU have just open up my scars which i tried so hard to heal and not knowing the scars exist. thank you...

~安静~

2009-03-15T01:37:00.000+08:00

只剩下钢琴陪我谈了一天
睡着的大提琴安静的旧旧的
我想你已表现的非常明白
我懂我也知道你没有舍不得
你说你也会难过我不相信
牵着你陪着我也只是曾经
希望他是真的比我还要爱你
我才会逼自己离开
你要我说多难堪我根本不想分开
为什么还要我用微笑来带过
我没有这种天份包容你也接受他
不用担心的太多我会一直好好过
你已经远远离开我也会慢慢走开
为什么我连分开都迁就着你
我真的没有天份安静的没这么快
我会学着放弃你是因为我太爱你

~21 things that girl really don't realize about guys~

2009-01-11T14:44:00.002+08:00

You HAVE to read all of them and if you don't your going to come across with problems in your relationship for the next month!

1) Guys may be flirting around all day, but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about....

2) Guys are more emotional than you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try.

3) Guys go crazy over a girl's smile:)

4) A GUY WHO LIKES YOU WANTS TO BE THE ONLY GUY YOU TALK TO.

5) Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.

6) If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.

7) A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.

8) guys love you more than you love them.

9) Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. They rarely use beautiful or gorgeous. If a guy uses that, he loves you or likes you a whole heck of a lot.

10)If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.

11)If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and he is really thinking about something.

12) When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is

Guys rarely say that.

13) WHEN A GUY ASKS YOU TO LEAVE HIM ALONE, HE'S JUST ACTUALLY SAYING, "PLEASE STAY AND LISTEN".

14)If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.

15) When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking

something.

16) Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them.

17)A guy would give the world to be able to read a girl's mind for a day..

18)No guy can handle all his problems on his own.

He's just too stubborn to admit it.

19)NOT ALL GUYS ARE RUDE!!!

Just because ONE is RUDE doesnt mean he represents ALL of them.

20) when a guy sacrifices his sleep and health just to talk to you, he really likes you and wants to be with you as much as possible.

21)Even if you dump a guy months ago and he loves you, he probably still does.. and if he had one wish, it would be you to come back into his life..

~我只想要~

2009-01-08T02:43:00.000+08:00

怎么说忘就忘记这甜蜜的过去
被思念包着厚厚的糖衣
不想再为了你伤心这最冷的夏季
慢慢地慢慢结成冰
承诺变悲哀悲哀因我被爱
悲哀是因为你不在
我好想抱着你诉苦却显得好无助
无助的让人想痛哭
我只想要和你在一起
朝着幸福走去
像恋人般的简单甜蜜
我只想要和你不分离
怎么轻易放弃
说你忘记
我想这一定是报应都怪我太贪心
才让你头也不回的离去
黄色丝巾是想念在树上被风吹
孤单的孤单一个人无法沉睡
承诺变悲哀悲哀因我被爱
悲哀是因为你不在
我好想抱着你诉苦却显得好无助
无助的让人想痛哭
我只想要和你在一起
朝着幸福走去
像恋人般的简单甜蜜
我只想要和你不分离
怎么轻易放弃
说你忘记
爱情怎么会让每颗心都碎
我不再相信你
却又慢慢想起你
我只想要和你在一起
我只想要和你不分离

~LOVE~

2009-01-08T02:20:00.001+08:00

"sometimes the best and the most

beautiful things in the world cannot

be seen, cannot be touched, but can

be felt in the heart"

love doesn't need a reason...
its something you can feel burning inside

your heart and waiting to be explode

of love...

please.. never ever ask someone WHY do

they love u.. love is nature and

without love the world is nothing but

a piece of crap. so everyone love the

world and also love ur loved ones

~am i really changing?~

2008-12-05T00:14:00.003+08:00

have been back in PJ here for almost 1 week plus...kind of miss Kampar's life where i get to go anywhere i want with no curfew...

went out with lesley, james, aaron and hunt last saturday night. went over to fetch james than off we go to lesely house to fetch her. then, Aaron came back just right before we left lesely house, so call him to tag along together. while on the way to puchong to fetch sze hunt, Aaron said that something is missing and different about my car. due to my curiosity, so i ask him, what is different or missing from my car? it's still the same car that i'm driving and i never change anything about my car for a very very very long time. than Aaron ask for my Cd songs....than he loaded a disco disc into the player with those RnB songs and remix...when the songs started to play, than he said, that is what is missing from my car. he said that i change because i don't listen to those type of music anymore which last time i will be listening it most of the time with loud blass out from my stereo. i was like, WTF man!!!...

went over to Hunt's house and pick him up from there than went to some place opposite IOI Mall there and hang out. after that went to CC in puchong till around 12.30am than back we go. when i reach home i really think about what Aaron has said. did i really change? am i really different from the Brian that they once know? coming to a conclusion, i admit that i changed. but one thing i really wonder, what made me change? change into a person that my friends and i myself don't even know. i remember i use to go clubbing, or at least i try to make it twice a month, or even drink beer, but now, hahahahaha, i really doubt that i even know myself. all i can say is i don't know when did i lose the feeling of clubbing and drinking.

i remember, everytime i'm back in KL, even out wit my parents, i would drink beer together with them, but now it's like, haiz...i don't know what to say anymore...till now till today, i'm just asking myself, why am i changing? am i changing because of you? ever since what had happen between us, i swear to God that i won't change because of you...but why, why am i been influence by you so much? why....

~Are Dreams True ? ~

2008-11-24T11:39:00.002+08:00

for the past one week plus, have been back at my grandfather house. all thanks to UTAR for replacing 2 classes from each week which now leads me to hav only one week one class for the last 2 weeks of class before finals comes.

younger cousin are back staying here with my grandfather due to their parents went to Bangkok for vacation, leaving their kids behind. kind of hate the noise that those kid made. but than, what to do right, their my cousin, can't complain much...

had been having the same dream every single night which really make me think a lot. why am i having that dream? is God trying to indicate something to me? is the dream the truth that i should have accept long time ago? everytime i dream about it, it hurts me a lot. throught out the day, it will make me think back what the dream is all about which really really hurts me like shit. and also because of this dream, i really don't dare to sleep, because i really don't want to dream about it anymore, and also that i hope it won't come true. now i'm really confuse. i don't know what should i think or do now. once again, i'm lost....lost in a world where i don't even know what should i be doing anymore....

～好好珍惜身边的人～

2008-11-10T13:02:00.001+08:00

那么一对情侣.女孩很漂亮,非常善解人意,偶尔时不时出些坏点子耍耍男孩.

男孩很聪明,也很懂事,最主要的一点.幽默感很强.

总能在2个人相处中找到可以逗女孩发笑的方式.

女孩很喜欢男孩这种乐天派的心情.

他们一直相处不错,女孩对男孩的感觉,淡淡的,说男孩象自己的亲人.

男孩对女孩爱甚深,非常非常在乎她.所以每当吵架的时候,男孩都会说是自己不好,自己的错.

即使有时候真的不怪他的时候,他也这么说.他不想让女孩生气.

就这样过5年,男孩仍然非常爱女孩,象当初一样.

有一个周末,女孩出门办事,男孩本来打算去找女孩,但是一听说她有事,就打消了这个念头.

他在家里呆了一天,他没有联系女孩,他觉得女孩一直在忙,自己不好去打扰他.

谁知女孩在忙的时候,还想着男孩,可是一天没有接到男孩的消息,她很生气.

晚上回家后,发了条信息给男孩,话说得很重.甚至提到了分手.当时是晚上12点.

男孩心急如焚,打女孩手机,连续打了3次,都给挂断了.打家里电话没人接,猜想是女孩把电话线拔了.

男孩抓起衣服就出门了,他要去女孩家.当时是12点25.

女孩在12点40的时候又接到了男孩的电话,从手机打来的,她又给挂断了.

一夜无话.男孩没有再给女孩打电话.

第2天,女孩接到男孩母亲的电话,电话那边声泪俱下.

男孩昨晚出了车祸.警方说是车速过快导致刹车不急,撞到了一辆坏在半路的大货车.

救护车到的时候,人已经不行了. 女孩心痛到哭不出来,可是再后悔也没有用了.

她只能从点滴的回忆中来怀念男孩带给她的欢乐和幸福.

女孩强忍悲痛来到了事故车停车场,她想看看男孩呆过的最后的地方.

车已经撞得完全不成样子. 方向盘上,仪表盘上,还沾有男孩的血迹.

男孩的母亲把男孩当时身上的遗物给了女孩,钱包,手表,还有那部沾满了男孩鲜血的手机.

女孩翻开钱包,里面有她的照片,血渍浸透了大半张.

当女孩拿起男孩的手表的时候,赫然发现,手表的指针停在12点35分附近.

女孩瞬间明白了,男孩在出事后还用最后一丝力气给她打电话,而她自己却因为还在堵气没有接.

男孩再也没有力气去拨第2遍电话了,他带着对女孩的无限眷恋和内疚走了.

女孩永远不知道,男孩想和她说的最后一句话是什么.

女孩也明白,不会再有人会比这个男孩,更爱她了！

爱上一个人的预兆

1.当你正在忙时，却把手机开著，等著她/他的短信..你已经爱上她/他了

2.如果你喜欢和她/他两个人单独漫步..你已经爱上她/他了

3.当你和她/他在一起时，你会假装不注意他，但是当她离/他开你的视线时，你会急著寻找她/他...你已经爱上她了

4.当她/他受伤或生病时，你会很关心她，替她/他著急..你已经爱上他了

5.当她/他和别人要好时，你会感到吃不知其味...你已经爱上他了

6.当你看到她/他那甜美的笑时，你的嘴角会扬起一丝得意的笑..你已经爱上她 / 他了。。。。了...

7.当你看到这篇文章时，心里想到某个人

~unfair~

2008-11-05T01:47:00.002+08:00

just finish talking with you on the phone, i know that your very tired from working and over things that i going on in your life, but i'm really sorry because i can't do anything to help you...

sometimes i really don't understand why are they treating you like this. you already did what you can, you already did and try your best to make end meet, but yet, they still don't appreciate what you have done for them. i really don't know what can i do to help. now i really feel so useless. i really do what to go up straight to their face and tell them the actual situation that your going through and how you feel, but i know i can't do so, because you don't want it to be that way. all i can do is just respect and be by your side when you need somebody to release to. being there for you so that you could release everything out is the only thing that i can do for you, nothing more or nothing else that i can do to lessen your burden and problem that you facing.

when you told me about what is going on and how you feel, i really feel so heart pain. but what's the point? even i know everything, but i just can't do anything. i also can't say much because i don't even know all of them. besides, i clearly know that THEM is the 1st and 2nd place in you heart compare to anyone or anything else in this world. but is it worth? is it worth to be up set over things that you know that you have tried your best to maintain things and make it work? why is God being so unfair of putting you through all this trouble? why can't they just feel satisfy with what you have done for them and think on your side? is people really that selfish? is it they can really be so cruel? i really can't answer this...i just can't

friends are really important to you, you always think about others 1st instead of yourself. but why can't they also appreciate? why are they all treating you so badly? i know you have tried your best...i know your upset on how they all are treating you. i can't do anything for you, the only thing i can do for you is be there for you when you need someone to talk to...i'm sorry for being so useless...sorry

~爱~

2008-10-18T02:33:00.002+08:00

愛上一个人..........如此的甜蜜卻又讓人受傷害

放棄一个人..........如此的難過卻又讓人心碎

珍惜身旁的每一个人,不要等到失去了

才瞭解到遺憾.和後悔是如此的痛苦....

~※→因為愛你.所以放手還你自由←※~

~※→因為愛你.所以不再讓你困擾←※~

~※→因為愛你.所以寧願自己難過←※~

~※→因為愛你.所以我逼自己離開←※~

如果我還一直深愛著你...你是否還會待在我身邊?

如果我還一直在乎著你...你是否會再多看我一眼?

是否我已不存在了...你才感覺的到我的離開?

是否我已離開了....你才感覺的到我對你的好?

~shouldnt i be happy~

2008-10-15T03:24:00.001+08:00

shouldnt i be happy about it when last night you told me everything? i should right, at least i got to know the truth...but i really don't know why did it go the other way round.

admit it or not, FEEL is what you are searching for all this while. because of this, it keeps making you change your mind, that's why there was yes and no. and because of friends, it also changes your mind. but if this is the way, that what else can i do? i really don't know. i have done my everything. when you said, alot of things is not a matter of time, than only i realize, no matter how long it gonna take, no matter what i do, it won't change anything, it will never develop, this is for sure.

i really regret on that night by saying no to it. that is something that i have waiting and wanted for so long, but why did i say no to it at that night? i really don't know since when i have change into putting your feeling up first instead of my own. people do always say, think about our own self first than only think about other peoples feeling, but why am i doing it the other way round? after what you have told me last night, yes, disappointed in myself is what i felt, but hurt and pain is the most that i felt at the moment, but i know i can't let you know, because you will only say that you regret telling me because i become like that, that's why i can't tell you.

what can i do? what am i suppose to do? i really don't know anymore. i feel so lost and confuse. now only i know that love is not a thing that people want to mess with. you always say that future can't predict, yes, i admit that. but i believe you and i, especially you, know that no matter how long things take between us, what i do, it won't change a single thing. all i can say is i lose to faith, i lose to myself. because of FEEL, because you don't have any feel towards me that made me disappointed to myself. after for so long, you still don't have a single feel, that made me lose to myself. that makes me hurt. i don't blame you for it, i don't blame anyone but only myself.....

~Thank You Careen~

2008-10-12T02:40:00.003+08:00

just received my birthday present from Careen. went to ss2 and meet her there to take the present which i already promise to collect from her since one week ago.

i really want to thank you, Careen, for the present. i really like it and appreciate it very much. but honestly speaking, i really not use to it of getting such expensive gift from people. but than, seriously thank you very much for the Adidas bag. i know that i have hurt you since the day you know me, after what i have done, your still willing to waste so much money to buy this gift for me, i really don't know what else can i say or do but just to say that i'm really sorry and really thank you for the gift you have bought for me.

once again, thank you.

~爱~

2008-10-12T02:40:00.000+08:00

如果你不爱一个人,请[放手]
好让别人有机会爱她...

如果你爱的人放弃了你,
请放开自己,好让自己有机会[爱]别人.. .

有的东西你再喜欢也不会属於你的,
有的东西你再[留恋]也注定要放弃的.

人生中有许多种爱,
但别让爱成为一种[伤害].

有些缘分是注定要失去的,
有些缘分是永远都[不会]有好结果的.

爱一个人不一定要拥有,
但,拥有一个人就一定要[好好的]去爱 .

男人哭了,是因为他真的爱了；
女人哭了,是因为她真的[放弃]了。

如果真诚是一种伤害，我选择谎言；
如果谎言是一种伤害，我选则沉默；
如果沉默是一种伤害，我选择[离开]

如果失去是苦,你怕不怕付出?
如果迷乱是苦,你会不会选择结束?
如果追求是苦,你会不会选择执迷不悟?
如果[分离]是苦,你要向谁倾诉?

好多事情都是后来才看清楚,
好多事情当时一点也不觉得

~Appreciate~

2008-10-08T01:40:00.002+08:00

life is really unpredictable. no one can say that he or she will know what is gonna happen next. because this is life, this is how it have to be. Hope is the one that keeps someone moving, keeps a person moving in life, but sometimes hope is also the one that brings the whole world of a person down.

have been seeing a lot of my friends from single, it's complicated, change into being in a relationship, hahahaha, so unpredictable right. in just a short period of time, things can change. please don't misunderstand, not to say that i never expect that you guys and girl will be in a relationship, just that i'm happy for you all for those who have found their another half of their life. here, i really wish you all happy with your another half, wish you all could last forever and move on happily. as a friend, i'm really have for you all and hope that you all can appreciate what you have, because what you have now is a blessing from god. due to this and watching some movie which really make sense and meaningfull really makes me think, what is life? whatelse that a person have to encounter of face just to be with the person that they love the most and be happily with their families?

answer is A LOT. there is a lot of things that a person have to go throught just to achieve it. because life is never easy. if you wish or want something, you have to work hard and prove that you should have it and not hoping that it would just come to you just like this. but than, not all things that a person wants means that person will get it even no matter how hard that person tried. there are somethings that no matter how hard a person work for, no matter what that person do, he or she still won't get it, this is what we call LOVE. because love is totally unpredictable. doesn't mean how much you have tried, put afford or even sacrifice means it will belong to you. i really feel envy towards my friends. i really feel jealous that they could at last find their another half, but me, no matter what i do, hope is the only word that i could hold on to even i know that it is no use.

even the answer that i got is NO, i still feel happy, because at least i know that i have tried my very best to do the best out of the best. but if we really still can't be together, than i can only say it's faith. probably God thinks that i'm not good enough for you, maybe God have arrange another half for you, so all i can only do is just truely wish and bless you both. past is something that we learn from and not hold on to. because there is past, than only we will know where is our mistake, from there we learn and not repeat our mistake which we only will have a thing so called future.

why would someone wants to hold on to their past, i know that past influence a person a lot, but than by holding on will it turn back time? will it undo all the things that we don't want? i really wish i could find out. i don't know what you're thinking, and i know that i can't force you because it will only annoyed you, but than whatelse can i do to have give myself a good explanation? i really don't know. for the past few days really have been a lonely time for me. day till night i'm all alone. so means there is plenty of time for me to think nonsense. but it leads to no where. i don't know what are you think, i don't know what you want, i don't know what you feel. all i know is i have drop and lose. lose in every single thing. i really don't dare want to give myself hope, but it just comes automatically. because i know that i have love you too deep, and there is no pulling myself out from it because i have tried very very hard no matter what.

i can't keep asking or finding you and ask, so i can only keep everything inside me for the rest of my life. at least once you gave me the chance to be by your side to accompany and make you happy and laugh. i really wish to find someone to talk about it, but i know that it's useless, and i can't talk to my parents about it...hahahaha...so i might just as well keep it inside me, deep inside me where noone shall talk about it and bring it out. once again, i feel the pain which i have trying to heal myself from for a very long time, once again i could only hold back and tears and transfer it to my heart and cry. because i know, i can't cry in front of anyone, not even my parents. i just choose to keep everything to myself from now on. because i have choose to be alone. alone where i don't have to bother so much about others and myself. Alone is just that all i want to be.

12 more days i will be going over to Australia. so guess i might just as well use that time to not think and let go. letting go doesn't mean that i don't love you anymore. is just that i have choose to love you deep in me. because i know, no one can take your place in my heart, because i know i will forever love you. wish that your happy always and take good care.

lastly, to my friends and all the couple in the world, i don't know how much you guys and girls understand about each other, i have no idea how long you have been together or what you all have been through, but, please, please appreciate your another half and what you have. because what you have now is a blessing from God, what you all have now is the so called Present and Future and not you Past. learn from the past and move on to be a better person and have a wonderful relationship. wish my friends and all the couple in the world happy always.

~Thank You guys~

2008-09-30T01:47:00.002+08:00

1st i would really like to thanks Sze Hunt, Tian Yih, Ah Wai and Chris for celebrating my birthday...really never expect it from you guys. really thank you guys for it....thank you...

next, i would like to thanks those who have wish me by sms, msn or phone call....thank you all for your wishes...

~Finals Over~

2008-09-20T20:15:00.002+08:00

yup, final exam is over...it was suppose to end yesterday but thanks to my stupidity, i have to re-sit paper, hopefully this time i won't flung it again...

everybody is so excited that finals is finally over, but than, i don't have that kind of feeling, weird right...don't even know why myself. thought after finishing my today final paper i would be like others, shouting and saying YEAH, OVER LIAO...but than, i don't have that kind of feel. probably there is just too much things in my mind which i really want to get rid of. i don't know...just want to get far far away from all problems. sometimes i really do wonder why human can't be a problem free person? why does the word PROBLEM have to haunt everyone? well, i believe only god knows....

well, whatever is done is done, whatever happen already happen, so, i might just as well get along with it. no matter how or what things change into, so just be it...if it's faith that i have to go through all this, than i shall go through. because there is no point hoping that things might change into situation or things that i want. it will only hurt me in the end. anyway, 2 more weeks, than i can confirm myself over some things which i have long long hope for. but just guess it won't goes the way i want. just really having a very very bad feeling about it...well, no point me thinking about it now, 2 more weeks, that's all it takes and i will get my answer to my question. hopefully things will change and could work out. no matter is it the way i want or the other way round, i might just as well accept it.

one month from now, i will be going over to Australia for my sister convocation. just can't wait for that time to come. gonna be there for two weeks that's for sure...after that, if it's really suit me, than i might, I MIGHT settle down there. at least i get to start a new life if i really get to stay right. put everything behind, no matter what, no matter who...just start a new journey and keep everything as a memory....hahahha...even now, i'm already taking things as a memory to me, because i know, no point holding on and hoping. if it's gonna happen some day, might as well just let it happen now once and for all...

tomoro will be going back to KL...erm...let's see, should i feel happy about going back to KL? hmmm...maybe i should, least i get to see my parents, get to go training, and go places i want...it might take me off from all my problems here...yeah, just can't wait to go back and be in my room which i can be alone in with...ALONE is where i belong...and i'm coming very soon...wait for me....

~Sepet~

2008-09-17T02:30:00.002+08:00

just finish watching the movie Sepet with friends instead of studying....hahaha....suppose to study but than wasted my time doing other stuff....haiz...just really don't have that kind of mood to study at all....

never really like the movie Sepet, even i never watch the movie before but heard from my friends before of what the whole story was about. kind of regret watching the movie because part of it really did happen in me. about how he found the girl that he really love, about how they can't be together, about his past and what he is doing. about how his friend got whack just because of the main character and all.....All this really makes me remind of what i have been thorugh before.

friends getting whack just because of you, because of what you have done wrong, i really could understand about it. about how it involves the black side of the world, i really can still think about it of how much it really once did influence me and consequenses i have to bare and price i have to pay. it all comes back into my memory when i have tried so hard to let everything go and not think about it. but it just came back to me....every single details every single flash back of the past. i really feel very bad and upset now of thinking back what actually really happen and what i have done. sorry, upset and guilty is something that i will always remember.

why is it so hard to be with the person that we really love? why can't we happyly be together with no problems? is it really a must and a faith that we have to go through ups and downs just to be together? it's just like the movie, he hope that the girl will read his letter and call him, but in the end she didn't. than what is the point of hoping? why should we always hope for things that we know that won't happen. for what? making our ownself better by thinking positive and hoping? i really don't know. ever since things starts to change, i really don't know where i can be and were should i walk towards. i really just want to rest, i really just want to get away from all this. maybe i should really let things go since you wanted things to change. even tho i'm hurt because things change between us, but i can't do anything more to hold on. not because i'm afraid that i will get hurt, it's because i really scare that i will fall for you.

even now i don't find you and talk much, but i know, deep down inside me i still love and miss you a lot. but i can only do it silently inside me, i can't afford to let you know because i don't want you to feel annoyed again. so the only way i got is to keep it deep down inside me. that is the only way left that i got to love you.

I LOVE YOU and really MISS YOU a lot. even i know that things are impossible between us, but i'm just so stupid to LOVE YOU...take care

~Hope~

2008-09-16T16:39:00.003+08:00

Hope, what is hope? is it a good thing to hope or not???

hope can be something good. that is if only when you hope for something or someone, and it happens than it is a good thing. but when you hope for something or someone, it turns out not like what you hope for, it hurts you so so much till you can't bare the pain. one thing i learn, never ever put too much hope in anything you wish for, because it will only hurt yourself deeply.

once i used to hope for a lot of thing, but in the end getting let down. worse of all, don't even know what actually happen when everything starts changing. sometimes i do wonder why did things have to turn out this way? this wasn't the outcome that i have hope for. the more i hope for things to turn out better and good, the more worse it will gets...hahahah...why? one or two times i believe it's a coincident, but it keeps going on and on, i believe it's not any coincident. because of HOPE, it let's me down. because once i was hoping something from you, it disappointed me. because of putting too much hope, in the end it just hurts myself.

how much did i understand about you? i really don't know anymore. the feeling is getting further and further and i can't do anything to pull thing back into like last time, because i know that it will only annoyed you. and because of this i don't put hope and hope that things will turn out to be better between us. i'm scare, i'm scare of getting hurt once again, because i really can't afford to fall now. this is not the time that i can manage to fall. no matter what, i have to stand strong, i need to keep walking, because i know that if i fall, if i cry out now, i won't be able to pull myself up and keep walking. so the only thing and way that i have is to keep on walking, keep pushing myself till one day i really fall. i can't guess your thinking anymore, i don't know what games are you trying to play, all i know is that i can't afford to play it anymore, because i know that one day i will fall back in love with you again.

if you ask me to read your mind and understand about you once again, all i can only say is i'm sorry.... because i gave up hope...sorry

手放开

2008-09-13T06:09:00.003+08:00

我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开窗我对着夜幕发呆
看着往事一幕一幕
再次演出你我的爱
我把电视机打开听着别人的对白
也许那些故事可以给我一个交代
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏人怔怔看情感概
不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪流下来伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最后的疼爱是手放
开不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌写着等待
最后的疼爱是手放开
我把收音机打开听着别人的失败
啃咽的声音仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易被伤害

letting go...this is what the song is all about...
according to this song, the best way of loving you is to let you go...is it? is that how it suppose to be? maybe i should really understand this song of what it mean, breaking up is another form of understanding. maybe i shouldn't hold on to you anymore, the only and best way of loving you is to let you go. even it hurts alot, but i believe by doing so is the best for you and that's how you want it to be ba...hope yours always happy....

~why can someone change so fast~

2008-09-10T20:50:00.005+08:00

people change over time, this is one thing for sure. but is it OK when it's just two weeks?

it all started weeks ago, friend told me he was close to this girl, a girl who he just got to know for not long. they started to sms, talk and all. he said he know what he was doing is wrong, which i don't what he mean, but eventually he said he was being stupid and carry on doing it. as he said, things went on fine and happy between he and the girl. everyday they sms, talked, had fun, laugh and all. but things started to change since last week. according to him, he don't even know what went wrong till that they girl just stop being close with him.

last few weeks, they would morning massage each other and chat till they sleep at night, but now, non. yes, i really can hear and feel that how upset my friend is, could see that he really put his heart in and treat her with all he got. but out of no where, things started to change into like this. i really don't know how to comfort him. because i kind of understand that kind of feeling. he said he asked her why is all this changes happening, all she said is that she don't know. as days pass by, my friend couldn't take it, so he when and meet her face to face to get thing through and make sure what is going on. he said that she said, she just don't know how to comfort my friend due to some certain things between them. she said that she feel guilty and bad for what had happen. but he already told her that it's not her fault, she don't have to be guilty or feel bad, and he also never intended to blame her, i don't know la, this is what he told me.

but she keeps on thinking that he is blaming her for whatever is happening. no matter how much he explain, she just wouldn't believe. so my friend might just as well end everything that night, said, if she wants things to be like this, wants to keep the distance so be it, but he only will remember all the things she did and bring to him. kind of sad hur...haiz.... but than, today, he come and say, now only he know what the actual reason is, it's because now she is close with another friend of his where they always sms and all....hahahaha, i can feel that kind of pain in my friend and disappointment. i know that it really hurts a lot. tell you one thing but it turns out to be another thing. all i can say is no point getting angry, disappointed and jealous of. if she want's it this way, you also cant do anything about it right.

yes, we can't do anything about it, but if i were my friend, when i realise the actual truth, i can know that type of pain, of how it feels. it's just like stabbing a knive deep down inside the heart. pain that nobody can stand, feeling of pain and wanting to cry. but than, what to do, that's the truth, and nobody can change it right. one thing is that my friend say that he really miss those sweet time together with her and hope that things could go back like last few weeks ago. but the only thing that he don't understand and take it is that all of a sudden things just change like this and she have no feel towards all this changing. well, i can't judge people who i don't know right.

well, now is my time to talk. how can a person just change al of a sudden. it your saying that it already took like one month, than things start to change, thn i can understand. but if like this case, yesterday they were still happily smsing and chatting with each other, than the next thing he now, today he start to get the cold shoulder. is this really suppost to happen? is this how human should be? why can't people just choose to be honest? why must certain people be another person in front of you, and be another person in front of another? hahahah, human mind is really hard to understand. all i can say is, hurt and pain takes time to recover, even i know that you can't let her go, but you can't continue doing it because she already starting to feel annoyed but just that she don't want to tell you. since she is nicely enjoying sms with the other guy and she is happy with it, just let her be if you really love her. as long she is happy, i believe you also will be happy for her...i know that it hurts seeing her everyday like this with the other guy, but you have no choice k, because you love her, that's why you can only bare those pain inside you and not show it out k....put everything to THE END...even if you can't, just let it continue deep inside you and not letting her know...

~take care~

random post

2008-08-24T16:07:00.003+08:00

i was thinking should i go back to my grandfather there or not, but than looks like my decision of not going back this week was worth it.

well, yesterday went to Ipoh with Jeremy, Karen, Lawrance, Chiu Yen and Poh Nee for an event called Full Throttle Autoshow. let's see, don't think there is much to talk about that autoshow because is was kind of bored if compared to other autoshow that i have been to. but the only activities that had entertain peoples is the Drifting race and the BBoy break dance competition. the drifting race was cool. well, how often do you get to see real and NICE drifting other than in movies right.

for the BBoy break dance, Davin was taking part in it so we all stayed back and support him. besides, even if we wants to go back poh nee sure won't want to...wakakakak
so, here would like to congratulate davin for getting 2nd place. it was a really tough battle in the final match, but ya, could see that you guys put a lot of effort in it. once again congratulation.

through out the whole evening it was raining till late at night. when we left the stadium it was raining heavily, so kind of got wet by the rain when walk to get the car. plus the air-cond, hahaha, freaking cold. yup, than we headed to Jusco for a late night movie. we watched ZOHAN...hahaha, not gonna say much about that movie, please do watch it yourself and you will know why am i laughing...

while was in jusco, was sms-ing and on the phone with a friend which chiu yen and lawrance starts calling me and was wondering where i go...hahaha...sorry ar for not answering you both calls...i got to know something from that call which hurts me a lot and think a lot. but than, let's just drop it here. don't want to create an EMO blog post here again right, so, yeah, shall just keep it to myself...hahahaha...

finally, IM BROKE...shit...spend too much just on phone calls...haiz....never mind la....

~Us Against The World~

2008-08-22T21:37:00.002+08:00

Us against the world
Against the world
Us against the world
Against the world

You and I, we’ve been at it so long
I still got the strongest fire
You and I, we still know how to talk
Know how to walk that wire

Sometimes I feel like
The world is against me
The sound of your voice, baby
That's what saves me
When we're together I feel so invincible

Cause it's us against the world
Me and you against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that we are standing tall
I don't ever see the day that
I won't catch you when you fall
Cause it's us against the world tonight

Us against the world
Against the world

There’ll be days
We’ll be on different sides but
That doesn’t last too long
We find ways to get it on track
And know how to turn back on

Sometimes I feel
I can’t keep it together
Then you hold me close
And you make it better
When I’m with you
I can feel so unbreakable

Cause it's us against the world
Me and you against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that we are standing tall
I don't ever see the day that
I won't catch you when you fall
Cause it's us against the world tonight

We’re not gonna break
Cause we both still believe
We know what we’ve got
And we’ve got what we need alright
We’re doing something right

Cause it's us against the world
Me and you against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that we are standing tall
I don't ever see the day that
I won't catch you when you fall

Cause it's us against the world tonight
Us against the world
Me and you against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that we are standing tall
I don't ever see the day that
I won't catch you when you fall

Us against the world
Yeah it’s Us against the world, baby
Us against the world
Tonight

Us against the world
Against the world
Us against the world

~Far Away~

2008-08-15T17:34:00.000+08:00

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]

So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know

I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go

~down~

2008-08-10T14:10:00.002+08:00

been down for the past few days...don't even know why...but, looks like it's really time to take my chloe's jie advice and let everything go....maybe what she say is true, can't hold on tight...got to learn to let go....but could i just let it go just like that? i really don't know...

all i know now is that being in this kind of situation is not a fun thing to do or be in...but one thing i really appreciate and feel happy is that whenever i need somebody beside me, jie will be the one there for me all the time...here i really want to thanks ah jie for being there for me and giving me advice when i am feeling down the most and upset.... but i also want to say sorry jie, whatever you want me to do and promise, for now i really can't, but all i can say is that i will try, i will try hard to do it jie...sorry....

it's really been a long time since i last chat with ah jie, it's been a long long time since i last have that kind of feeling. i really miss those time where i really can chat and see ah jie everyday. i really miss my past life where it's just simple, work, bath, eat, sleep than work, bath, eat, sleep...it's just so simple that i really don't have to bother much about anything with no worries and upset. through out this whole week, i have been confuse all the time, confuse of don't know what am i suppose to do next or what am i suppose to think. but ever since chatting with ah jie on thursday night, i really feel much better. even what ah jie suggest to me on what to do next is not what i want and think of, but i might listen to her. because i know, what she say is the truth, it have been a truth that people have been telling me since long time back. but wether is d present girl or even long time back past girl, as what ah jie say, it's time for me to let go.

jie wish that i could be happy back like last time, with no worries and problems in my mind. but could i do it? i don't think so. i really scared once again i will let ah jie disappointed. i really don't know what to do and think. maybe i should just let everything go in my life, get out of here and start all over again where nobody knows me. i should let go my present and past or basically should said, everything in my life. get away from here, go far away and start all over again.

october will be going over to australia, shall try to suit myself there and see if there is suit me or not. really hope could settle down there and start everything again. should really sit down and seriously think things over. should i let go and just hold or tight.

~confuse for no reason~

2008-08-05T22:29:00.001+08:00

Monday was really a surprising day for this week. out of no where, getting a news that could never expected to hear of. was just wondering why did it happen so sudden. what exactly did happen between that one whole week.

worst of all, i don't really know what am i thinking now. all i know is that i can't bare to see you carry on like this. i really feel sad and pain when i see you like this. i really wish to be by your side to care and console you, but i know it's impossible. all i can do is just seeing you suffering everyday and not doing anything to help you to feel better or to ease you pain. i really hope that all this never happen to you, i rather all this didn't happen at now at this moment.

i don't know what the hell am i confuse for. why is it happening to me now? why the hell should i be confuse, or even care or bother so much. is it that i really like you? is it that since long time back i like you but i keep lying to myself saying that i don't like you anymore? i really don't know. all i know is that my heart hurts every time i see you like this. but why, why should i feel hurt when it's not even my problem to bother. why do i care so much? i am not suppose to like you, this is one thing for sure that i know. I CAN'T LIKE you.

for now i really don't want to think so much. all i want and hope is that you recover as soon as possible. i really can't bare to see and knowing about you carrying on like this anymore. i just want you to be happy again.

Please, please God, spare her the pain and let her be happy once again. put the pain on me if it have to be. as long is she is happy once again....please....

~I Belong To Me lyrics- Jessica Simpson~

2008-08-05T21:44:00.002+08:00

looks like it's time for me to really try my very very best to get you out of me and my life for forever....

i belong to me, i belong to myself...my very own self...

I BELONG TO ME-JESSICA SIMPOSON

I belong to me...

It's not that I don't wanna share my life with you baby
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby
And I won't give up me to be part of you
It's not that I don't wanna have you in my life baby
It's just you gotta know that it's got to be right baby
Before I open up my heart to you

I don't need somebody to complete me
I complete myself
Nobody's got to belong to somebody else

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me

I gotta let you know before I let you in, baby
That who I am is not about who I am with, baby
That don't mean I don't wanna be here with you
I do

I don't need somebody to complete me
I want you to know
I'll give up my love but I'm not giving up my soul

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me

Oh yea

Love don't mean changing who you are to be
Who somebody wants you to be
Nobody's got to belong to nobody

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me

~back for no reason~

2008-07-27T23:09:00.004+08:00

well, here i am, back here in my blog with no reason. come to think of it, it's been really a very long time since i last blog in here. just feel that there is nothing much i want to say or write ever since ending the story. because i really tried my best not to think or bother about it anymore. i'm just too tired to carry on walking this path, worse of all, it's really tired and killing me for pretending and make myself think that i could let go everything.

it's been like what, almost 2 months since i ended the story. thought could go through it and lead on a new life, but once again, i failed. i know that i have been lying to myself for the past 2 months, telling myself that i could let her go, i could forget about her, i won't bother or care anything anymore, but i know i can't. it hurts everytime every minutes thinking that i really have to let go, thinking that ther is nothing anymore between us. if it hurts, why the hell am i still holding on? even i have made it The End in this blog, but i know that deep inside me, the story is still going on, i don't wish to end the story, i really want to continue on this story, i really want to continue it forever. hahahaha, but i know, it will be just a dream. a dream that will never ever come true or happen.

but why, why is it till now till today you are still not willing to give it a try? what is the reason that is holding you back? or is it really just as simply as what you said, you don't have any feel at all. probably i should just go with that reason of yours to start letting you go forever. but i know i don't want to let go, i don't want to end things between us. so what else can i do? really just love you silently? treat that i have let go everything on the outter me but d opposite in the inner me? for now i still can do that and move on, but i really don't know how much more longer i can go. i really don't know. how many more ways i could use or things that i can do to forget about you? drinking? tournament? training? i really don't know...maybe i should just let... let it be like this till i leave you far far away.

i remember this blog i wrote it in your room when you there, but i just don't want to post it in fornt of you, i really don't know why. but now, i think that i don't have to care or worry about anything more. maybe i should just do what i want and be selfish. but can i really do it? porbably now i can say i will, but when i face you straight into your eyes, i really can't. why? why am i such a failure in everything, especially towards you, why? 4 hours of training it's really tough and tiring...but at least i could really not think about anything regarding to you. why am i loving you so much for nothing? for fuck? or is it cause i 'fan jin', bringing all this problem to myself? i really don't know, i'm just really tired and can't walk this path anymore, i just can't.

~THE END~

2008-05-28T22:25:00.001+08:00

28th May 2008 is the day that i will remember forever....

it all started on the 3rd of April 2007 till now...it have been one year and one month plus time...it's not a short period of time, but now, 28th of May is where the story between us ends...should i feel relieve? should i feel glad? should i feel happy? i really have no idea...it just seems like there is no feeling in me now except than feel of crying...but could i cry out loud? who can i release to? now that i have loose you, can i still release to you and trust you like last time before all this happen? i really don't know anymore...

what kind of feel should i have now? i really don't know what to do or feel...all i know that it is cold inside me, too cold...a feel that i haven't have for a very very long time...last day of your exam, while we went back together, everything for just fine between us...and the next thing i know, everything change on the next day, and i have no idea what happened or what did i did wrong to you to make things change till like this....I can't be mad at you, but all i know that i am just disappointed...disappointed on you or myself? i think it's myself...but why am i feeling disappointed in myself? for what? my mind now is totally blank, whatever happen now have left me being a person with no soul...once again, you put me back into a situation where i have to put on a mask to face social...

maybe we are just not faith to be together, and it is time for me to accept those facts and things that i should have accept way long long time back....i'm a guy with no soul now and feels like a steam roller have just ran over me without feeling any pain...what's the point of me writing all this in here, will you be reading here...i know you won't, because you won't even log in in here just to care about me...hahaha...you will be the last that i will take it serious in relationship...you know why, because of our story, i already have lost faith and trust in it...because i have gave too much to you which now, hahaha, i know i will need a very long time to pull myself up and stands on my feet again...how many years will it be, i really don't know...but for now, just let me sink as i want to be...because i really don't have that type of energy to pull myself up anymore....

this afternoon was the last time that i will be caring and finding you on the phone, because i know, there is totally nothing in the future...even i wanted to see you, you have turn me down and not willing to just meet me this once...so all i can do is just respect you with this decision...i just can respect...this time, you really have push me too far away from you, and i know is time for me to leave your side because my job is done...as what i told you, i have a job in you life, once its done it will be the end, so now you believe me har...i have tried my best to help you get through some of you hard moment in Kampar...i have done my best and there is nothing that i can do for you anymore...

after loving you for so long, now it have to be the end, i really can't get use to it...but i know i have to do it, in order to make you feel better...this day is the day where i have to stop loving you in front of you, but deep inside me, i will forever love you, without letting you know anymore...because there is no point of you knowing...i will forever love you Evonne Chan Lai Ching...take good care and hope you will lead a better life from now on...our story with ups and downs ends right here as you have wanted all this while... THE END of a relationship that couldn't be worked out no matter what...THE END

～爱的意思～

2008-05-22T01:48:00.001+08:00

如果你真爱一个人，
就要爱她原来的样子
爱她的好，
也爱她的坏，
爱她的优点,
也爱她的缺点，
绝不能因为爱她，
就希望她变成自己所希望的样子
万一变不成就不爱她了。
勉强是永远得不到
幸福！

~unspeakable feeling~

2008-05-21T00:46:00.001+08:00

don't know where to start, don't know where to think...

3 weeks of semester break is where people will use it to rest and enjoy but to me, hahaha, don't think that that's what i have went through...i have no idea why did things have to turn out like this...is it i did something wrong or anything that make things to be like this? it just change out of a sudden that i don't even know what is going on...and than, out of no where we just have to end things??? hahahaha...this type of feeling inside me, i really don't know how to describe it out in words...or maybe i don't even know how to react to it anymore...it's just feels like a mixer mixing and stirring non stop.

is this called confused or mix feeling? for the past 3 weeks, i really tried to make myself as busy as i could...morning till night training, follow by drinking...non of it works no matter how tired i am...why can't it just go away? why things can't be the way we wants it to be? no matter what happen, i'm really trying hard to save things between us and i know your doing the same...but why things just won't work out? is this what Gods wants us to go through...i really don't know what else can i do anymore...all i know what there is a lot of thing i wish to say but it just won't comes out...and i'm suffering from it...i know, a lot of people will say that is me myself created all this to happen on myself...well, whatever...just want to express myself even it's in confusion...

i'm tired of walking...i'm tired of trying to put things back into pieces...i'm just so tired...with only 1 o 2 hours sleep everyday is ad slowly killing me inside...but, you won't even know and notice...but, can i blame you for not noticing...no, i can't....because it never happen since day one till now...it never did...

～其实你懂我～

2008-05-20T02:07:00.000+08:00

你懂我吗？
你真的认识我吗？
其实，在这个世界里，
没有人比你更了解我
但是，为什么我们会变成这样？
是我的错吗？
是你的错吗?
还是，是我们两个人的错？

真的不知道，
从那一时刻，我真的深深的爱上你了
这是好还是不好的事？
我真的不知道
现在，你面对着很多的问题，
但，我却帮不了你
我唯一能做的，
就是安慰你，
尽量的让你开心，
但是我却做不到

为什么当我想帮你的时候，
你每次都推开我？
为什么你就不肯让我帮你？
我说过，我是不会丢下你一个人，
一个人面对所有的问题，
我是在保守我对你的诺言,
但，你一次又一次的推开我
我真的不知道我还能为你做些什么

有时候我真的很怕你，
你知道吗？
我怕你是应为，
你懂我
你太了解我
那天我骂你，
说你不可能了解我，
是应为我在骗我自己
我骗我自己说你不可能了解我的心
但是我错了，
其实你懂我，
是我伤害了你，
是我让你难过

在这里我想对你说声
对不起
是我的幼稚，
让你受委屈
是我的幼稚，
伤害你的心
对不起，真的很对不起

其实你懂我

2008-05-20T01:33:00.000+08:00

我到底是谁
在你心中占有怎样的地位
你不说清楚
你让我们的爱坠在七里雾

爱很讨厌
总是忽近又忽远的让人追
追半天
你连抱歉
一句抱歉也不给

我向前走
低着头
眼泪不停向后流
一直走
不回头
希望你会找到我

但是始终不如愿
希望都落空
我仍相信
其实你懂我

我发誓千遍
我这一走你就无法挽回
虽然心会痛
总比受尽委屈还要更好过

我等了等
脑海始终浮现你对我的好
好半天
你连Baby
一句安慰也不给

其实你爱我

一前一后
你跟在我的背后沉默
Yeh…Yeh…Yeh…
前前后后
希望你握住我的手
Yeh…Yeh…Yeh…
Wo..Wo..Wo..

我向前走
抬起头
擦掉眼泪向前走
一直走
不回头
相信你会找到我
梦里寻他千百遍
希望都实现
我不想走
无法心不动

我向前走
抬起头
擦掉眼泪向前走
一直走
不回头
相信你会找到我
梦里寻他千百遍
希望都实现
我仍相信
其实你懂我

～伤～

2008-05-13T00:44:00.003+08:00

放弃一个很爱你
的人，
并不痛苦。
放弃一个你很爱
的人，
那才痛苦。
爱上一个不爱你
的人，
那是更痛苦。
世界上最远的
距离，
不是我就站在你
面前，
你却不知道我爱
你，
而是明明知道
有感觉，
却不能在一起。

~is it wrong~

2008-05-09T00:10:00.001+08:00

i really have no idea what i did was right or wrong...hahahaha....maybe i was wrong over what i have did and think...maybe what you say is right, should never ask anything in return...should never have...

but do you think that if i never ask anything in return we will work out? i really don't think so...ask or not ask in return things will also maintain like how it is as now...nothing will change...right...prove me if i'm wrong of what you said...

all i'm asking is a chance from you? is it wrong to ask so? is it wrong to wanna be with a person who we really love? maybe it is when the other person doesn't even like you and not having a single feel towards you...if things have to be this way so be it...i can't do anything about it anymore...because i know it clearly that no matter what i do, it won't work out or change anything...maybe i should just let thing be like how you want it to be...because i know, only this way it only will make you happy and relief, and not suffer anymore...maybe i should...

~feel~

2008-05-07T02:59:00.001+08:00

feel, this is one thing that i can't never get from you even after for so long of time....

one year and one month ago, if you don't have feel, i really won't think so much and try to do my best out of everything towards you, but one year and one month later now, it really makes me think a lot...yes, we are close, more close compare to you and your other admirers, but have you really think why...is it because you are slowly starting to accept me? i don't think so...ya, i could get the care and worries that you give to me, but one thing i can't have from you is your heart, worst of all is the FEEL from you, even a single bit...after for so long, whatever i have done and said, it just seems like nothing, can't even grad your heart and having feel towards me...HAHAHAHAHA, what a looser i am right...no matter what i do, what i said, how i change, it will change your impression on me, but it will be as a friend, it won't change your mind on you having feel towards me....hahahahah

i really don't know what else i could write more in this post besides than laughing...i really don't know...whatever i could do or said, in this one year and one month of us knowing each other, i already did and try my best, but it really hurt of knowing that it don't change anything....but you think i could straight tell you how i really feel...i can't....it's because it will make you feel annoyed and all....sometimes in front of you i really also do have to put the mask on to face you, sometimes i just can't be myself in front of you because i know that it will create argument between us, that's why sometimes i rather keep everything to myself and find other way to release instead of telling...but ever since that argument we had on the 2nd of May, i know, things will change...

things will change because i know the relationship between us is a dead end with no road to turn back...no matter what i do or say won't change anything...it will just remain as what it is between us, CLOSE FRIENDS...you know how hard it took me to say this two words to you that day, it really took me a lot of courage to say it out and make this decision...i really want to tell you how much it hurts inside me when i say this two words, but i know, i can't tell you...one year and one month, no matter what i do or how much i have done, you still don't have feel towards me, it's already enough to prove that i already lose, it's already proven that i'm a looser and useless...

have you really ever thing and hope that things could work out between us...have you ever try...i guess only you will know this answer...all this while you say the problem is on you, but have you ever try telling yourself and believe that things could work out between us? have you? maybe you did tried, but just i don't realize it, if you really did, than i'm sorry...maybe i really just want you too much...which in the end hurting you a lot...i'm really really sorry...is it you really won't give me a chance? it is between us is totally completely impossible? is it???? is it the only way and thing to do next is to let you go? i really don't want to let you go...i really don't want and don't know why...i just really don't know what is wrong with me...i just want to end everything like how i wanted to end it that night in front of you...really never wish that you had stopped me that night...why did you stop me? thought i'm trying to make you feel bad...i really never ever think of that...why must you misunderstand me...i really never thought of making you feel bad...i just want to end everything...

i'm really too tired of walking this road...that night i seriously already fall...but i know i have to stand up and walk out and face you as if i'm fine with it...but now, back to my place of loneliness....and i'm completely fallen down...i don't know will i be able to pull myself up like that night or not...i really don't...i'm just really too tired...i just really want to get away...far far away...and i know no matter where i go, i can't let you go...because you have entered deep inside me...way too deep...because i really love you a lot...i really love you

~1 year and 1 month~

2008-05-07T01:47:00.002+08:00

never thought how time could fly past so fast...and it's already been one year and one month...but after for so long of time, nothing has change, it just remains like how is was and use to be...

April 3rd, 2007 is the year and time where i told you i like you, but now, after one year and one month is where things went screw up between us...i really have no intention to put you into that situation at that moment of time because i know that you still have your exam going on...i really never plan to tell you at that time like how people thought i plan it...believe it or not, it just happen out of no where...i really just went over to your place to just have a nice simple chat with you, but than, as usual, things never ever goes the way i want it to be...all i can say now is i'm really sorry, sorry to make you emo at that time when you're facing exam and all the stress...i'm really so so sorry...

ever since stepping out your room at that night, i really regret of making the decision, i know i will regret it even right after i told you at that time, but i know, by saying that way and doing so will only make you feel better and not so stress about it...promise is a promise, i can't turn things back, no matter how much i regret, how much i want to turn time back, i can't go against the promise that i made...i have to bare the consequences of my saying and decision...

never ever thought that i could go after a girl who doesn't even like me at all for one year and one month. relationship between wanjun and me, 2 years plus, thought that was the most serious that i could be and i even told myself that she will be the last. but E really took over everything, things that even wanjun can't do or control...i really have no idea why...i really don't...really thought about it seriously, is it because i must get what i want in life or what, but to this, i really can answer to myself, it's not because i have to get what i want, but it's really because i really love her...love that i never imagine that could be more than wanjun. could i get over E like how i got over the pain that wanjun have put me in? could i really let go of E...i really don't know, i really wish and hope that i could have an answer to it...how long more this situation will be like this...frankly speaking, i really don't know, i really don't...how long more should i wait, or how long more i could wait???? i'm just too tired...i really just want to get away from everything....

~Wanjun, this post is for you~

2008-04-20T00:24:00.000+08:00

well, i really don't know where to start...but, 1st of all, i want to thank you for all the comments you have left. appreciate it much, believe it or not is up to you.

alright, let me get it straight and right here k, whatever you have left in my past post is because you really want to care or your just taking this time and chance to screw me up...from what i read and people tell me, your taking this chance to screw up me...let's not talk about what's going on with me now, let's talk about our past since you have started it... if you really want to talk about BETRAYING, well wanjun, honestly speaking and telling you, i'm not as GOOD as you...you should know it so clearly of what i'm saying and referring to. have i ever betray you? your saying what, Celest? Careen? those is after we have broke up only happen alright. it's not to say that when i was with you and at the same time i was with them. but if i want to compared it on you, where does your case stand in between the 2 years of relationship we had har...where do you stand? you think your way way way so much better than me?

how many times have you betray me? how many times have you lied to me? how many times have you betray my trust and sneaking behind my back with other guys? this is only 3 of the question i'm asking you now. compare to you, i'm not a liar as you claim i am. but you are... you know why i say so, because your friends and my friends knows it so clearly of how you have lie, sneak behind my back with others guys. and what, when i ask you the truth, you still can lie and say NO...no such things...this is only one of it girl...it's only one of it...you think that the two years of relationship means nothing to me? every single moment we had, every single argument we had, what you have SAID, i will always remember. your asking me where is the promise and where is the love we made? what about you?

please wanjun, please, before you put the blame on me, think about yourself, think of what you have done to me for the 2 years of us being together...i'm not taking this chance to talk bad about you or anything, don't misunderstand...you were once who understand me way to much...but now, it seems you don't after you having your new relationship...and i don't blame you for it...if you think that i have so much problem in me long time ago, you already will tell me at that time...don't come and screw me up and want to make me looks bad just because of the past...if it's really so, than thank you so much wanjun, thank you...you did it, you made it...yes, we do have sweet moments together, you miss those moments, i do miss it too...but talk about the pain that you have put me in for that 2 years...no one, no one include you can make up to it...you should know what you have done and say that causes me to do so...don't come and accuse me of framing you now or anything, you know it so clearly k...

~should i be happy or sad about it~

2008-04-18T00:39:00.000+08:00

just got back from a short outing with some of my friends who i really haven't been seeing for a long long time since last year....

kind of happy because i got to see them and chat with them...thank you Aik Mian, Eva, Sue May, Kenny and James...thank you for calling me out to hang out...it's really been a long time since we all really hang out together like this even though Lesley couldn't make it out this time. but i really appreciate it much...and honestly speaking, i really miss those time of how we use to hang out like this, go anywhere for a drink, than go somewhere else where we can sit down and chat or play....it's really been a long long time since we last did it har....

went to Picadily to meet up with Aik Mian they all...i was like late more than half an hour from the time that i have promise them...i'm really really sorry guys, and GIRLS...but at last, i manage to go right...hahahah...sit there and chat, and as usual, kenny with his jokes which really can make people laugh and sometimes, PUKE, like the joke he just told earlier....it was really disgusting, but i admit, it was really really funny....after that, we started with some spooky story which i don't consider as scary but based on Aik Mian face...hahaha, yup, to her is a scary story... after the story we decided to call it a night because of the 2 PRINCESS who have to go home early, haiz...as usual la...CINDERELLA...so i fetch Aik Mian and James home...

while fetching Aik Mian home, as usual again, me and James started to tease her on the SPOOKY story again...wakakak...i really like to see her scared face...somehow it's so funny to us...hehehe...Mian, if your reading this don't kill me ar... :P

after sending Aik Mian home than fetch James back...while on the way, a car just came out from the corner without looking and was speeding. luckily both of us brake in time,..it was like what, 3 to 4 feet and i could die 1st instead of James...at that moment, i really have thought of it, what if both of our car really bang, will i be happy because i get to die and end everything in my life? or should i be sad because the accident never happened. while fetching james back, i really think about it, why did i brake and why did he brake, James, i'm sorry, not to say i'm selfish because i want to get you into accident but, if die also is me who will die 1st right...sometimes not to say i want to be selfish or anything, it's a matter of the pressure i'm going through...sometimes it's just so hard to breath...i just want to end everything as soon as possible...and i don't want to involve people around me because it is never ever their problem or things to bother...i don't want to burden them with my things...i just wan to end everything...probably even my life which i have wanted to end years ago...

~thanks~

2008-04-16T22:46:00.002+08:00

well, whatever comment you guys have posted up i have read it all....

here i just want to thanks everyone who have left their comment here for me...i know you all says all this is for the sake of my own good...really thank you all and i appreciate it much...thanks and sorry if i did anything that hurt either one of you all...deeply sorry...

thanks once again and sorry...

~April is never a month i want to be in~

2008-04-13T12:01:00.003+08:00

time flies and a lot of things have been happening in my life....but the most major thing is, i will be having my final exam in one week time....WTF...i'm not even ready for it....damn....ar....

seriously speaking, i never thought that a close friend who we called each other 'brothers' will ever betrayed or back stab you and when they comes to face you they could treat as if nothing happen...hahahaha, such a good friend to be with right....damn right they are...and it's so fake...well, rumors have been spreading around in campus about me, people have been bitching about me, and the worse is i involved her into my problem. it all started with a April Fool prank and of TRUSTING someone who I'm not suppose to trust, which result into what i am today, who i have involved in. me and this girl called J played a prank on another friend saying that we are couple, things went on fine even after our friend know that it was an April Fool joke. but some how that friend of ours say that we are a matching couple and wants us to try being together. so somehow we work things our between us.

it all went on fine for a week till than only i realize, i can't continue this relationship because i know i don't love J but i love someone else. so i choose to end things between us. than, here is where all it starts, rumors about me, about her is all starting to comes out...from there only i know that whatever i did few months back, of telling my friend of we so called 'Brothers' about things happen to me, is a wrong move to make. i never thought that by using my sincere heart to speak out my problem to them and because of treating them as a close friend will end up they back stabbing behind my back....hells knows how long they have been back stabbing me. never thought that by telling my problem to they will results into them thinking i'm trying to show off this and that...HAHAHAHA...how silly i am right...treating you all as a friend, being honest, and this is how you all sees me as, just a fucking bastard who is trying to show off....

you know what, i'm not angry because there is rumors about me, i really just can't take it where those people can say and do all this behind your back, and when they are in front of you, they can treat as if they did nothing, as if nothing happen and still call you as a 'brother'. WTF man, what are you all trying to do? what are you all trying to prove? you know what, if you all don't like me, you all can just let me know and i will back off and leave our so called GROUP...i don't mind being alone...seriously i don't mind...maybe before this i still treasure our friendship, (which i think only i do consider it as) but now, i don't give a fuck...i don't give a damn...if you guys want to think that i am showing off of whatever i did for her this and that, than go ahead, but please, leave her out of it.

for now, i really don't know what am i suppose to do now, as what i noe, my image is already screwed in peoples mind, frankly speaking, i don't mind, but all i mind and care is how people sees, think and talk about you, EC. i don't want because of my problem which will affect you life and ruin your reputation in peoples eyes. but now all i can only do is say i'm sorry EC...i'm really sorry, sorry for pulling you into my life and problems, i'm deeply sorry...please forgive me for everything...

i'm really confuse and lost now, plus my finals is coming...i really don't know what to do...please, please, can anyone teach me what to do...

Backstreet Boys- Inconsolable

2008-03-21T01:46:00.000+08:00

I close the door
Like so many times, so many times before
Filmed like a scene on the cutting room floor
I wanna let you walk away tonight without a word

I try to sleep, yeah
But the clock is stuck on thoughts of you and me
A thousand more regrets unraveling,
Oooh, if you were here right now,
I swear I'd tell you this

[Chorus:]
Baby I don't wanna waste another day
Keepin it inside, it's killing me
Cause all I ever wanted comes right down to you, to you
I wish that I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you, every time you leave
I'm inconsolable

I climb the walls, yeah
I can see the edge,
But I can't take the fall, no
I've memorized the number
So why can't I make the call
Maybe cause I know you'll always be with me
In the possibility

[Chorus]

No, no, no

I don't wanna be like this
I just wanna let you know
That everything I hold in
Is everything I can't let go (oooh, can't let go)

Cause BABY...

[Chorus]

Don't you know it baby
I don't wanna waste another day
I wish that I could find the words to say
Baby I would tell you, every time you leave
I'm inconsolable

Yeah, yeah, yeah
Oooh, I'm inconsolable
Whoaa yeah
I'm inconsolable

~Chinese New Year~

2008-02-09T01:45:00.001+08:00

time really flies so fast, and now it's already Chinese New Year...whoever is reading this post, here i would like to wish you all Happy Chinese New Year....

well, lets see...came back to my grandfather here on tuesday...spend the first night drinking and gambling with my aunty and cousin...my parents came back on wednesday morning which i didn't even know they reach because i only woke up at 11am due to heavy drinking alone the previous night...haiz...sometimes it's really boring drinking alone...but, what can i do, no one to drink with me...sad...always me alone...

this year we had ur reunion dinner outside instead of cooking at home every year...ever since my grandmother passed away, CNY have been really quiet to all of us...don't know why...it's been 3 years since my grandmother have left us...haiz...well, back to topic, reunion dinner was suck...why would i say so, first, the food wasn't consider as delicious...second, when the 1st course came out, we barely touch the food than the 2nd course came out...worse of all, while we are still having out 1st course, the 3rd and 4th meal came out...WTF...are they like bugging us to finish our food faster or what...haiz...whatever la...over is already over right...can't do anything much about it also....

than we reach home like around 10pm, started gambling with cousin and aunty...the only reason why i don't gamble with my uncles and dad is because, their bets are so freaking big...OMG, can't imagine playing with them....sure will PK in less than 1 hour...hahahaha....so might as well just stick to playing with my aunty and cousin, which i also PK already from gambling with them..haiz...sad case...

since new year eve till now, have been drinking since morning till night...hahaha, how i wish i could go through this everyday...at least when i'm drunk i won't think about her anymore...life is just making me miserable...haiz...nothing much i can do...just wait for tommorow morning to come and start drinking again as if i'm drinking water...wakakakak....ya, like it is funny la...haiz...don't know la...maybe i'm just really drunk now...i'm just really so so tired of everything...i just want to let go...i want to go far far away...can i????

~unforgetable january~

2008-01-29T22:05:00.000+08:00

life haven't been the way i expected it to be...1st month in a new place, far away from home, thought of starting a new life with a new beginning, but than as usual, things never goes the way i want it to be..

my life is just getting more and more screwed up...i really never learn my lesson hur...why the fuck am i repeating it all over again...why...this time, i think that i have fallen for a girl who i know that i'm not suppose to fall for...fuck my fucking brains again...i just want to let both of this girls go before things get worse for me...i really had enough last year but why am i going throught all this again this year...why...

sometimes i just wish to end everything...every single things that is in my life...how i wish i could...just feel like leaving everything behind and get away...far far away and start a new life...but could i do so? can i really be like how i want to be...hahahaha, don't even think that is a possible thing...people always tell me that nothing is impossible, i really want and wish to believe that saying, but unfortunately, my lifes and hoping shows me the other way round...
WHY....WHY....

now, before i could even make up my mind or even settle other problems, new problems appear in my life...HAHAHAHAH....how good or great could it be...the month of january...really makes me change alot....never expected that it would happen to my another ex...previous one is already enough, thought i could prevent it from happening to anyone around me...but in the end, it did happen once again and the worse of all, i cant do anything...HAHAHAHA...how fucking useless i am....

last week i just lost my uncle, he passed away because of heart attack...and the worse thing of all, my mom only tell me a day after...WTF...haiz....can't do anything much...now, i'm just worried about my two cousin brother...their still small, they don't even know what is going on...i really can't imagine both of them have to grow up without their father by their side....

few days later, i only got to know that my friend Ming-Y's best friend just passed away due to the komsortium bus crash that happen at Behrang while on the way to KL from Penang...Ming-Y was down and upset for the whole week, worse of all, the following week was Ming-Y's 21st birthday...haiz...why is all this happening...why is God being unfair to people....but, i belive whatever happen is because for a reason...so i can't blame HIM for it....

1 month is gone in the year of 2008, and i still got 11 more months to go...i have no idea what is gonna happen next...but i really never thought that another girl could really make me start to forget and let go of CLC...i really never expected it to happen...i really don't know if i really like this new girl or is it just because she was there for me when i needed someone the most...who cares, because i know, no matter is i really like her or because she was there for me, me and her is totally impossible, because she already have a one year relationship with her current bf...and i won't be like a Bastard to be a 3rd party in peoples relationship....towards this girl...i have to put a Stop to it...because i know, i really can't afford to like her more, because in the end, getting hurt deeply will be me...not her...

~New Life? ~

2008-01-13T01:57:00.000+08:00

1st of all, let me say this, my blog is not dead...wakakaka...just don't have that kind of facility and time to update since now i'm studying in Kampar...

well, lets start with kampar, erm...nothing much to say about kampar. just a normal triple story house me and my friends stay in...at least all of us mix together can have fun right...haiz, sad to say, my class don't have any leng lui...pity me wei, i'm gonna stick to this class for the next 3 years wei....3 years la...HAIZ....

ok ok, back to my title...NEW LIFE...thought i can start a new life in kampar, but than, staying there for only 1 week, i only realize, there won't be a new life for me if i am still near or close to her...but what can i do? can i really leave her alone without caring or knowing anything about her? can i really do it? i don't think so, i really tried so many time to not care, not bother, or even not finding her, but i failed in all...i really can't...why am i being sure an idiot...as she said, between me and her is impossible, but why am i doing all this just for her...why am i bringing all of her problem that she is facing into my life where i can not care anything and lead a simple and normal life without cracking my head of how am i suppose to help her and all...why am i being so stupid to do all this, why can't i just let her go when i already know the truth....hahahah, seems like there is a lot of WHY and question mark appearing in my life...

Why am i keep giving false hope to myself when i already know that me and her is really totally impossible...why am i being so stupid and making a fool out of myself...how can i really let go of her and start a new life???? can any1 really teach me how...I'm really loosing it...I'm really loosing myself...it's really suffering, and i have been suffering in this situation for almost a year...how long more must i go through this? how much more pain and disappointment i have to go through? you know what, the pain i'm going through now is much much more worse and pain compared to my outer injury from sparring and training...to a lot of people they say that training sparring is the most pain that they ever feel in life, but to me, the situation of me and her hurts me the most....feel of pain that i can't describe it out...pain that only i know how much it hurts inside me...pain of knowing the truth but keep lying to myself that someday there might be a possibilities between me and her...pain of listening to her part of so called TRUTH, but when listen from other people of what she really feel and think hurts a million times....

yesterday ask a confirmed answer from her, but all she can say is that she is sorry, sorry that she can't give me a confirmed answer...CLC, what are you trying to do? are you really fooling me around or really enjoying the feel of people caring, loving and treasure you so much...is it you don't give a confirmed answer because you scared that after telling me the answer i won't treat you like how i'm treating you now? are you really that selfish? you saw with your own eyes, you know how much suffer i'm going through every single day because of you, but than, you done nothing...perhaps it's like what people says, now is I'm the one who like or should i say love you, not you like me...that's why you don't even care...

attitude, personalities...that is what you say you don't like...but for the past 9 months, you saw with your own eyes, i change...change for what? for who...just because of you...but yet, your still doing this to me...why...is it really not worth for you to just give it a try between us...whatever reason or should i say excuses you gave me, really makes me feel like it's all bullshit...totally bullshit... I'm just making a fool out of myself...I'm just being an idiot...but than, to you, looks like your enjoying it a lot with all the attention i gave hur...i really can't imagine...sometimes i really just wan to tell you that i hate you so much...i really hate you a lot...but i know, at the same time, i love you...how can i hate and love you at the same time...how can i....FUCK my life...FUCK my mind...FUCK everything that i'm going through now...please, please just FUCK off from my life...just give me the FUCKING confirmed answer...i really can't take it anymore....i really had enough of your games, games that you have been playing for the past 9 months...i really had enough...just leave me alone...please....

你最近还好吗

2008-01-12T02:06:00.000+08:00

挑一张耶诞卡写上满满祝福的话
地址写的是心底
你能不能收到它
天有点冷风有点大
城市宁静而喧哗
这一个冬天我得一个人走回家
问自己习惯了吗
没有你每到夜里回声变得好大
有没有什么好方法
让寂寞更听话
你最近还好吗
是不是也在思念里挣扎
你说会记得我还记得吗
你最近还好吗
忙碌吗累吗心还会痛吗
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快乐出发
有再多的牵挂都已没有权利表达
旧情人给的问候
比陌生人还尴尬
昨天远了明天还长
回忆模糊但巨大
这样的深夜眼泪要怎样不流下
问自己习惯了吗
没有你每到夜里回声变得好大
有没有什么好方法
让寂寞更听话
你最近还好吗
是不是也在思念里挣扎
你说会记得我还记得吗
你最近还好吗
忙碌吗累吗心还会痛吗
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快乐出发

Monkeys

2007-12-11T20:42:00.000+08:00

damn i hate monkeys...ok ok, before i get into that, let go through briefly bout my exam paper yesterday...

yesterday was Social Psychology paper, one of the question is about aggression. question is like this, when a man punch another man, how are we suppose to relate it to NOT AN ACT OF AGGRESSION...yup, you heard me right, a man punch another man and we are suppose to say that it is not an act of an aggression....how can this be...whoever know the idea please tell me how do you relate it...

ok, now back to the topic of the MONKEYS... damn those monkeys...went to Bukit Gasing with Aik Mian on Friday to get some photo shots for her photography assignment, but when we went there like around 5.30, we can't even see a single monkey, which causes Mian to feel disappointed... So we went on the following day to the hill top again, and guess what, the monkeys are there...hahaha...Mian is like so scared to get out of the car to snap the shots...and i was like, eh, if you don't get out of the car, how are you gonna take the pictures right, then at last, she got out...it's really funny la to see how scared she was towards the monkeys...every single time the monkey makes those aggressive sound, she will like...huhuhu, dun come near me ar...hahahaha...should have look at her face, sure you will laugh wan...HAHAHAHA...(Mian, if your reading this post, don't kill me ar, read it with an open mind please :P)

than, today Mian again ask can go or not to take those monkey pictures...than ma fetch Mian at 10.30 and go...but this time, she wants to take the monkey eating so she bought 2 packets of peanut. today they monkeys damn aggressive wei...once i get out of the car with the peanuts they're like all running towards me, and i was like OK, WHAT THE HELL? THEY CAN SMELL FROM SO FAR...so i throw the peanuts back into the car and as usual la, when Mian saw so many monkeys coming, hide inside my car again lo...hahaha...then few of the monkeys start climbing onto my car, and i was like WTF...damn wei...their feets and hands scratch my car wei...damn heart pain, and there's this one bastard monkey have to PEE on my car la...DAMN that monkey...then comes another monkey climb onto my car roof and wanted to bend my car antenna, then i was like OMG, shit of you stupid monkey, and that idiot gave me those cock stare wei...no choice la...drive my car away and park some other place far far away from the monkey la...

after that, we fed the monkeys with the peanuts, all of like run towards it like a bunch of hungry monkey with no food for years...than when they start eating, Mian started to take the pictures lo...in less then 5 minutes, the whole packet of peanuts gone...then we have no choice to open another packet for the monkeys lo...hahahaha, you guys really should have look at Mian face....sure you all will laugh till you drop wei...wakakaka...(dun angry lo Mian)...after taking the picture we ma head back to our home lo....

and thats the end of my wonderful morning...been really really down for the pass few weeks, but then, by seeing how Mian was today, i really can't resist on laughing...hahaha...thanks lo Mian, for asking me to accompany you go...even though, i know that your really scared, but then you made me laugh unintentionally...hahaha...thanks gal...

~EXAM~

2007-12-10T08:46:00.000+08:00

yup, exam is just 5 hours to go....and hell i haven't started to study a single thing...what the hell is wrong with me, it just seems like i don't really care about it anymore where i know i can't afford to fail any of my subject this semester.

haiz, don't know la, just can't concentrate on anything. everytime open the notes, i will be reading it for like 10 minutes, then my mind will fly to somewhere else. seriously speaking, i just want to get that matter away from me, at least just for this one week, just one week, that's all I'm asking, but it just seems that it won't leave me alone. just read a blog, a friend of mine...she too is facing problem in her life, but then, she's much more better then me, because at least she know and understand of her ownself. but me, hahahaha, i don't even know and understand my ownself, i don't even know what i want or what am i suppose to do. i'm just so lost, i really can say that i totally have lost my direction in life.

i just want to get away, i just want to go somewhere far where nobody know me, i just want to get away and leave all the problem behind and not care about it anymore, but can i? can i really do so? leave everything behind and not care anymore. i know very clearly i can't do it eventhough i feel like to. i really scared, scared that one day i will loose you in my life. i know myself clearly, i cant afford to loose you, i just can't. i tried letting you go, i tried not finding you at all, but then, it hurts inside me so deeply that i can't continue doing so. that is when i knew that i really can't afford to loose you in my life.

i really don't know la...i really don't know what to do anymore...i'm so confuse, and i can't even focus and concentrate on my exam...i'm really going crazy...DAMN

～傻瓜的我～

2007-12-02T14:06:00.000+08:00

因为爱得太深，就应该放弃了吧！
我真的很累，很想放弃所有一切
你真的可以当没事发生过，但是，我做不到
因为我已经放了太多的感情
由第一天开始，我已经错了
但是，是我自己搞成了这一个地步
我不能怪别人，也不能怪你
因为你什么都没做过，是我自己害到我自己
我只能怪我自己！

八个月，不是很长或很短的时间
在这八个月里，我可以，能，或者需要做的东西，我已经做完了
但却没感动到你，那我还能做什么？
我真的想不到我还能做什么...
可能我真的好像 “傻瓜” 那首歌...
明明知道是會傷害我自己，但我卻不理
因為不知不覺地愛上你了
爱到连我自己都不知道有多深的感情

是你改变了我
是你让我知道什么是快乐
是你让我知道在这个世界里还有希望
也就是你一手拿走了所有的一却
我能怪你吗？我能生你的气吗？
我知道是不能
因为是你让我感受到快乐和希望的感觉
是你带来给我，所以，只有你可以带走所有的一却
我只能怪我自己
哈哈哈哈哈，为什么我要怪我自己呢？
我也不知道...
可能怪我自己，会令我好过一点吧！

以后都不能在见到你了，
不能再跟你聊天，
不能在载你回家了，
由我们最后一天上课那时候，
我就知道，全部都会在那一时刻结束了
现在我只能保留我们的回忆，
由第一天认识你，
送你回家，
谈电话，
上云顶，
追求你，
给你拒接，
我都会记得...

虽然你不接受我，
但，我会静静的爱你，保护你，不让你觉得孤单，
因为我真的真的很爱你，
就是因为爱，我才变成了一个傻瓜

~i'm back to my old fucking self again...haiz...~

2007-11-30T12:37:00.000+08:00

Life's haven't been going well for me, and I have no idea why....I'm just really so tired of everything, i really don't know what the hell is my mind thinking. why the hell am i being so stupid again??? why???

yes, being single again, and in the end, i hurt someone again in my life. I really don't know what the hell is wrong with me. why must i keep thinking about something which i know is totally impossible, why the fuck my mind and heart can't work together? why the hell must it work on it's own? now, I'm just going back into the old self of me. now my mind is totally confuse, confuse of rubbish, confuse of things that i have already know the answer for a long long time ago, and it's killing me slowly inside, i really have no idea how much longer i can take it. killing myself have been appearing in my mind so many times till i really want to do it.

why the fuck must i go back to the old me? this sem i really tried my very best to keep myself away from it, not to think bout her, but then why must she appear back in my mind out of no where? why must i have those feeling again which i tried so hard to forget? why must it come back when it's gonna be the end of the sem? why the fuck must all this happen to me? WHY...FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE, FUCK IT ALL...PLS, JUST LET ME DIE...I REALLY DON'T WANT TO TAKE IT ANYMORE. it hurts, it hurts alot, but why, why the hell i know the answer or ending but i still want to get myself involve in it, why can't i fucking learn my lesson...

why the hell must YOU appear back in my life? what the hell that made YOU appear back in my life and mind out of no where...why the fuck can't YOUR image just leave my brain alone? why must it always appear whenever i close my eyes? why must YOU keep appearing inside my mind, why why why...i know it's wrong for me to blame you, because it's never ever YOUR fault, it's just all me...whatever is just all me, i just don't want to accept the facts...it's just all my fucking mind and brain.

i just really hope someone can help me, i really don't know when i will really and totally break down, now, I'm just stopping myself, but i know, i clearly know, someday, i will...it's just a matter of time now of how long more i can take it...

im dead

2007-11-22T22:40:00.000+08:00

yeah, just finish my second mid-term test for maths...and yeah...I'm gonna fail it again...yeah, I'm so dead meat, haiz....

2 more weeks to my finals exam, which, which i doubt that i will manage to get through it, haiz....why la, why must they put maths in the last semester, why la, why....just hate it so much la...i really just want to get through this year, i don't ask for all As in my remaining subject, but i just want to pass it all...life is really getting harder harder, it's never easy as we think it easy. while i was still in secondary school time, i use to think that life would be much more easier and better after form 5, but now, i rather choose back form 5...now only i know why my parents and uncles use to tell me that i still have a long long long journey to walk. haiz....just have to let life be the way it is now, i cant even change anything.

well, no matter what, life's goes on, so just have to bare with it. have no idea what will next appear in my life, but then, we shall see. whatever comes, let it come, whatever goes, let it go, no point holding on too tight for nothing....just hope i can let things go when it have to been let go of. somethings i really have to let go long long time ago, but till now i can't, and for this, i really really do hate myself for it...i hate myself, i hate everything, i hate lies, and yes, i DO hate certain people...you all should know whether i hate you or not la k...don't come and ask me who i hate. if you have the ability to crack open my mouth, then your always welcome to try k...FUCK MY LIFE...~LIFE SUCKS~

Apologise-Timbaland ft One Republic

2007-11-21T21:12:00.000+08:00

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground

camping

2007-11-19T09:24:00.000+08:00

just got back from a family outing yesterday...now really just want to sleep till i regain my energy back, but then, have to attend class later at 11am...haiz....DAMN tireddddd...i want to sleep...

went camping at Kuala Kubu Bahru on saturday. It was a 2 days trip...overall, i enjoyed myself only on sunday because we went to the waterfall which is super super beautiful. we need to go across 4 river to reach the waterfall and it's a 1 hour plus walk into the jungle. the river part was fun because the water reaches up until our chest level and the water is damn freaking cold. being one of the youngster in the group, we have to be the MAN in the group to help other people to cross the river because the water in damn damn fast n strong, even me and my dad friend cant even stand strong in the water...but then, what can we do, we have to fight againts the water to help them cross the water...anyway, thanks LORD for letting us go in and come out safe even we know the water are fast and strong...

we had BBQ while was camping so we eat till we can't even move around after eating, and we played some games during the camp. worse part of all is while when we want to sleep, it so HOTTT...but then, when midnight comes, it's the other way round...damn damn shit cold...wether cold, river water cold, heart also cold...wakakak...have no idea what the hell am i talking about. well, at least we got to see 3 leng lui there ar because my dad agency got 1 leng lui name Jun who brough along her 2 other friend...hahaha, river time get to chao shui...hehehe...no la joking joking...she and her friend are friendly and nice to play with together with Max...it's so fun to drown Max into the water...wakaka...

anyway, laptop is down, and need to get a new laptop soon...so i won't be able to online...arrrrrrr...but then, no laptop, at least got the waterfall to cheer me up for that moment, sitting there, thinking things, getting it out of my mind, getting to be alone..haiz...don't know la, it's really so hard to find someone who we can really trust...friends are never meant to be trusted...no matter how close, how long you know them, it's the same...so, being alone is the best, at least i don't have to be afraid of getting hurt again..oh ya, one more thing, i HATE craps and lies, it hurts the most...so please fuck off....

我們怎麼了-S.H.E

2007-11-08T11:28:00.000+08:00

落泪以前再看一眼你模糊的脸
这会不会是最后纪念
我凝视你而你凝视窗外的阴天
一句抱歉都僵在嘴边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后是否
能让什么复活

你的笑脸还在胸前
晃动着昨天
为何回忆会让人晕血
如果我们继续向前走进雨里面
会不会有溶解的危险
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后是否
能让什么复活

明明从前
连真挚都很甜美
现在怎会
说句话就冷冻一边
我搞不懂
我们到底怎么了
诚实的背后
是否住着伤口
我想不透
我们的爱怎么了
雨下过以后是否
能让什么复活搜索 "我们怎么了"mp3
LRC歌词下载
我要打印

no title

2007-11-08T00:29:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time since i last blog in here...haiz...really loosing the feel to blog...

anyway, here i want to wish Ce-yan HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY, big girl liao lo....must guaiguai k, may all you wish and dream come true lo...

well, life is going on, sometimes just wonder is it the right choices and decision, just have to go through it...finish my mid term test yesterday, which is a total disaster for me...damn, really gonna fail this two paper anytime...haiz...worse of all, my finals exam is just few weeks more to go, and i'm so so gonna be dead, with maths and account, it's total impossible i will be alive...haiz...

just not being myself recently...don't even know who i am anymore, what i want...really damn shit confuse...the feel of jz really want to run away from all this, really can't take it anymore...all i know is that i'mcommitting suicide is so strong in me, just really wan to let go of everything and just leave...really

hate everything!!!!

2007-10-29T08:29:00.000+08:00

when things start to turn out to be better, another thing have to screw up...why is it always have to be like this? can't things be the way i want it to be at least for once???? sometime it's really very very tiring of it...

well, have been in a COLD WAR at home with my dad for the past 1 week...and why is that, because of my fucking account paper which i failed it AGAIN...haiz...just hate it when i fail a single paper...never like failing in my life...probably hate failing in everything that i do. all i want is to just pass the shit account paper, is it so hard? really scared that i can't get through this sememster to proceed to my degree...can't imagine if i can't get through this year how my dad is gonna kill me or screw me for this...haiz...to make things worse, dad got pissed just because i lend my laptop to someone, which so coincidently that night he wanted to use...

WTF, all this while he doesn't even use the laptop, but why when i lend it to someone, then he wants to use it...is it really a faith for me to fo throught all this??? what is GOD trying to do? why must HE arrange all this for me?

really can't take it any longer....during those few days at home, really really felt so so alone again...makes no different if i were in the jail, because reaching home everyday, staying in my room until the next day, makes no different then those staying in prison, but the only lucky thing is my room doesn't have jail bars for it....since everyday I'm alone, i really just want to be alone forever, at least i don't have to think for others and care how they feel...all i want to do now is care for myself and not others...i'm really tired, tired of everything...when the WAR start to cool down, i have to face another problem, WTF...why is it always like this...WHY.........

yesterday was careen 1st day at work, things went fine through out the day, but then, things start to get worse at night...seriously careen, not i don't want to tell you what happen, it's just i really don't know what is wrong with me, how am i suppose to tell you when i don't even know what is wrong with me....and then what, you come and get piss at me because i don't reply you, gave me those word saying if i don't reply you then don't regret...HAHAHAHA, what is all this hur....by you being like this really make me think that is it the right thing to start with you...i have try my best to do everything to work out in this realationship, but then, nothing seems to work, and i'm really loosing my mind over it...i really have no idea how or what am i suppose to do or treat u anymore...

well, overall, can say that last week was a total FUCK up week...even it's fuck up, but at least i got my friend cherrie to accompany me when i'm down, make me feel relax and happy...hahaha, thanks cherrie, really thank you...i bet if lesley and james were to know what i'm going through, they will also do the same thing as what cherrie have done...thanks to u all, thanks for being there for me when i needed someone...thank you...

STAB

2007-10-23T08:57:00.000+08:00

Bold the statements that are true to you.
Italise the statements that you WISH are true.
Leave the fibs alone.

Then, stab 3 people to do the same test:

I miss somebody right now.
I do not watch tv these days.
I wear glasses or contact lenses.
I love to play video games.
I have tried marijuana.
I have been in a threesome.
I believe honesty is usually the best policy.
I have changed mentally over the last year.
I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
I curse.
I’m totally smart.
I’ve broken someone’s bones.
I’m paranoid sometimes.
I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
I need money right now.
I love sushi.
I talk really, really fast.
I have long hair.
I have lost money in Las Vegas.
I have at least one sibling.
I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
I couldn’t survive without Caller ID.
I like the way I look.
I am usually pessimistic.
I have a lot of mood swings.
I have a hidden talent.
I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
I have a lot of friends.
I am currently single.
I have pecked someone of the same sex.
I enjoy talking on the phone.
I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
I love to shop.Enjoy window shopping.
I would rather shop than eat.
I don’t hate anyone.
I’m a pretty good dancer.
I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
I have a cell phone.
I believe in God.
I watch MTV on a daily basis.
I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
I’ve rejected someone before.
I want to have children in the future.
I have changed a diaper before.
I’ve called the cops on a friend before.
I’m not allergic to anything.
I have a lot to learn.
I’m shy around members of the opposite sex.
I have made a move on a friend’s significant other or crush.
I have tried alcohol before.
I own the South Park movie.
I would die for my best friend.
I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza.
I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all.
Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
I am happy at this moment!
I’m obsessed with girls.
I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
I study for tests most of the time.
I am comfortable with who I am right now.
I have more than just my ears pierced.
I walk barefoot wherever I can.
I have jumped off a bridge.
I love sea turtles.
I spend ridiculous money on makeup.
Plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
I’m proficient in an musical instrument.
I worked at McDonald’s restaurant.
I hate office jobs.
I love sci-fi movie.
I think water rules.
I went college out of state.
I like sausages.
I love kisses.
I fall for the worst people.
I adore bright colours.
I can’t live without black eyeliner.
I don’t know why the hell I just did this stupid thing.
I usually like covers better than originals.
I can pick up things with my toes.
I can whistle.
I can move my tongue in waves, much like a snake’s slither.
I have ridden/owned a horse.
I still have every journal I’ve written in.
I can’t stick to a diet.
I talk in my sleep.
I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
I have jazz in my blood.
Climbing trees is a brilliant past-time.
I wear a toe ring.
I can’t stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
I am a caffeine junkie.
I cosplay or know what cosplaying is.
I have been to over 15 conventions.
I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical the better.
I’m an artist.
I only clean my room when necessary.
I like a person of the same sex.
I love being happy.
I am an adrenaline junkie.

I stab: LESLEY, JAMES, ERIN (MAKE SURE YOU GIRLS AND GUY DO IT AR)

~HURT~

2007-10-16T09:10:00.000+08:00

I really don't know...is it fate for me to everytime get hurt by other people...why is it always me??? why can't it be the one where i hurt people more than people hurt me, why, WHY????

yesterday was another bad day for me...i have no idea why is it always happening in my life...why can't those bad things just happen at once so that i don't have to feel hurt once and once again...i hate those feeling very very much...it always happen like this, can't it just happen all at once....now, worse of all, i haven't tell my parents about I failed in my account paper...i just don't know how to tell them, because I know that they are so gonna kill me and skin me alive...even my parents don't give me pressure, i for sure will give myself pressure...because i know that if i don't get through this year, this last semester with all my paper PASS, for sure i can't proceed to my degree...i just feel so tired and lost...because of accounts paper really make me feel like giving up hope on studying...

selfs confident...what are those...all i know is if people don't have it they will be screwed in their life...that's what i have being go through all this years...i really can't find those feel...i never do a thing with any confident in my life, not to say i don't want to but it's just i scare the more confident i put in, the more i will feel heart break or dissapointed...and that really sucks...yesterday got into a arguement with careen, over what, hahaha, i also don' tknow how to say it in here...all i know is i made a stupid move and decision to read her blog...after reading it, i really stone right in front of my laptop, yes, she did warn me about her post, but i never expected to be that hurt...at that time, i just conuld'nt believe what i'm reading, all i know it just hurt so much...till i can't describe those pain and confuse feeling inside me...all i keep thinking is whether i made the right choice or not. but then, i know i can't look back at it now, no matter what i still have to continue and carry on...

but now i'm glad that everything is over and settle, so that i won't suffer anymore...just wish that all this won't happen to me anymore, now, future, forever...just can't afford to go through this kind of things anymore...hahaha...just totally read through all her blogs, now it's like makes me worse...ar...why the fuck must i go and read her blog...why...

don't know la...whatever la...now really shit mood...don't feel like writing anymore...so i shall stop at here...today is the 1st day of my class after 3 weeks of break, hopefully it will be a fine day...bye

~FUCK~

2007-10-15T11:03:00.000+08:00

fuck, damn fucking UTAR have to put a fucking F in my result...

i really don't know why the hell did i get a F...is it i really do so bad...all i want is just a simple D for it...just a simple D, is it so so hard????
YES, i fucking FAIL my account again...twice already la...and i fail again...i really scare that i can't get through this year...my 2nd semester i got 6 subject, plus re-sit for my account, so that makes it 7 subject...i got 5Bs, 1D and 1 fucking F...to those who really know me for long, me getting 5Bs, which consider good enough and for a guy like me to get 5Bs it's like a miracle...so i consider myself as i did my best for my subjects...but i have to flung my fucking account again...haiz...really don't know how to tell my parents...they are so so so gonna kill me and skin me alive...arrrrrrr....why la...UTAR, why.........

i really don't know what to do anymore...because of account fail, really make me feel like don't want to continue studying...i really have no confident in studying anymore, i really scare i fail again...maybe I'm those who really can't accept failure two time...who can teach me account...who? please, i really need help...i don't want to fail again...i just want to get through this year...maybe from what people see me is i don't care about my studies and all, but in fact i do care...if not i won't study so hard for my second semester...i just really don't know la...

failing is a bad feel for me, but at the same time, things got a change in my life...i got to know a girl for the past few weeks...she brought life and soul back into my life...i really feel comfortable and happy that she appear in my life...but maybe i think too much...don't know what will happen in the future...suan le la...really confuse now, all i want now is just to get through my account and this year...i just want to get through...that's all I'm asking...please...please let me get through...please,......

数到五答应我 - 曹格

2007-10-10T11:45:00.000+08:00

第一次看着你就为你心动
聪明的我怎能让你走
第二次看见你我竟然失控
是我的错请你原谅我
第三次看见你想要告诉你
我真的爱你是真的爱你
第四次看着你我有些要求
请你能够安安静静的聆听
一.让我保护你
二.让我照顾你
三.所有的要求不能当作游戏
四.接受这命运
五.永远不分离
说你愿意
那最后一个一定要说你愿意
Want be your lover want be your man
我只希望给你多一点
我只要你开心多一点
Can you be my lover don"t wanna be your friend
给你幸福每一天
给你幸福到永远

因为我Want be your lover want be your man
说你害怕因为受过伤
不需要害怕因为我不是他

a total waste of time ...

2007-10-09T22:47:00.000+08:00

it's being really a long long time since i last blog in here....really have no idea what to blog about in my life anymore...just feel like it's hopeless and all...

hahaha, wasted 3 weeks of my semester break doing nothing except sleeping everyday at home..haiz...really a total waste of time...but then, want to thanks Ah Wai, Jimmy, Lesley, James all for calling me out to lepak at mamak or anywhere...well, i believe it's much more better than staying at home and rot right. things change a lot during this semester break, and i really have no idea is it a good thing or bad. but then, i can't do anything about it right, so i just have to let it be.

during this 2 weeks, really can't find anyone to really talk to, and really have no mood to blog about anything, really have no idea what is going on with my life...really feel like giving up, i really don't want to go through all this anymore...especially, being hurt again and again...once and once again lies been told...why must she be like this? now, i really hate her very very much, thinking that things will have a twist, but then, it's the same, lies, lies, fucking LIES....
I WILL NEVER EVER TRUST HER ANYMORE, FOREVER!!!!!

got to know a girl around end of September, only got to really know her when chat with her on MSN...the story of her life is quite interesting, days past, got to know her more, meet up with her 1st time at The Curve with her friend, spend the whole day lepak there than end up in Secret Recipe. after that we call it a day...went home on that night, have no idea what got into me, wanted to talk to someone, but i just don't know where to start, and this really makes me hate myself so so much...when saw Cherrie online, thought of talking to her, but then, words just won't come out...what is wrong with me? is it i really start not to trust anyone? maybe yes, i won't just trust anyone, but i know i trust Chloe, Cherrie, James, Lesley...this four people i have no doubt about trusting them, because i know i can depend on them when i needed someone, especially Chloe....thanks ah jie, even now i seldom go find you, but i really want to thank you...and to Cherrie, I'm really sorry about that day, don't know what got into me, words just wont comes out, i know you do care cherrie, but just can say I'm sorry for that day online, didn't mean to say half and not finish it...SORRY SORRY SORRY k....

after that day, think was Friday, went to Pavillion with the girl and her kai jie. really being a long time since i last went down to KL...really change a lot...can't imagine my eyes when i reach there...had a meal with the girl at pizza hut than walk over to Sungei Wang, and as usual, it's always crowded with lots and lots of people. really enjoy the outing to Pavillion...never had fun in a long time...hahaha...sometimes i really wonder why is my life so boring, why can't i just live like others? hell i wish i could...at night, things got worse and changes, just couldn't imagine how fast things can change in just few hours...haiz...whatever la, can't do anything much about it anyway...so i will just have to let it be as it is and see how things turn out to be in the future...

ok la, it's time for me to stop and go play my PS2 le la...shall update if i have the mood and problems to talk about...

to those who is reading this blog, thanks for viewing, take care and stay happy always ok...
good night

~WHY~

2007-09-29T02:37:00.000+08:00

hahaha...this was suppose to be my friendster's blog...but than copy and paste in here with some editing...hahaha...nah, don't care la...watever...

just reach home half an hour ago...and now is like gonna be 2 in the morning, and i have training tomorrow but yet, i still don't feel like sleeping...really have no idea what had happen to me till now i really change a lot...sometimes i really wonder, what makes me change all of a suddenly, why am i becoming a person who i don't even know or understand...why? it's really weird...and now, WHY is the only thing that keep appearing in my mind and life...haiz...

well, tomorrow will be having a BBQ party organize by my dad and his friends, and i have to be at home and not allowed to go out...ARRRRRRRR...seriously i will be damn bored...just really want to go to a place where i can really rest...where will that kind of place be? Heaven? Hell??? maybe...

who am i? what do i want to do? i really don't know...i'm trying so so hard to find my identity, find the person inside me, find out who i am...but how? i tried so many ways, but till now, i can't find anything...i don't even know who i am...or what should i do...i'm so lost...really lost deep deep inside a jungle...and all because of one person, thank you so MUCh...thanks...you said i change, yes i admit i did change, but what about you? you too have change, so is it all my fault? does i have to take responsibility? that's what your doing, your pushing all to me...

YOU always wanted things to go your way, as you wish, than what about me? you think i don't...ya, maybe i don't, as you think in your mind and heart, i FAN JIN right, ok, no problem...put it this way than...i had enough...YOU taught me a lot of things, and i will always REMEMBER it...i'm just being who you are now...i learned it from you, so please don't come and said i change...who made me into this? who??? i know, your life is much more better off...you found the guy that you like, you want things to be your way, FINE...i shall let you be...just because you found someone else that you like and kick me out from you life, FINE....you found him, he means everything to you, and i don't right...ok...no problem...your wish is my command...i shall grant it for you for one last time...go ahead have fun with him, go, i'm out, k, i'm out...i shall Fxxx Off...

think i should better stop now, really don't know why recently emotional really damn unstable...maybe should go and see a doctor for this...haiz...

~OVER!!!!~

2007-09-27T01:58:00.000+08:00

yeah...exam is finally over, so i shall be saying bye bye to SEM 2....

well, over, ya, exam is over...but not only exam...there is also a lot of things which is also OVER in my life...thought it was the best things to do, but than, i have no idea why does it hurts so much, it feels so pain till i don't think i can stand it anymore. i just want to put it to an end where i will forget everything, but why, why must i suffer??? can't i just lead a happy life like others happily with less problem...is it really a fate for me to have all this problems appearing into my life? is it??

i just really want to get rid of all this...why can't i just lead a simple life like others...why can't i...is it so hard just to let me lead a simple life???

guess the answer is yes hur...no matter what i do or try to lead a simple life, it never happens..i don't know why...when one problem is solve, another problem will appear automatically...i hate all this kind of situation...i really hate it so much till i don't think i can stand all this anymore...being with people who really treats you as a friends, yes, it's nice being with them, but being with those who say your my best friend yadaa yadaa, but behind treating you like a fucker, i can only say one thing, please do Fxxx Off, i don't need you...

well, exam is over, things between me and her is also over...yes, i admit it hurts a lot...till no words can describe those feel, but than, what else can i do? answer is nothing...because no matter what i do, how much i change, what i say, it's totally hopeless...i can't sms you anymore, i can't get near you anymore, i don't dare to meet you face to face anymore because i want all this to comes to an end, i really don't want to carry on like this with all those bullshits your giving me...I'm just sick n tired listening to all those...i had enough...THANKS...

one thing i have learn, committing yourself doesn't mean things will go the way you want it to be...because by the face you see a person, they might look pure and sweet...but than, they might be a Fxxx up person...

to love matter, 因为爱的太深, 就应该放弃了....because of loving too deep, than you have to let go...because by this, you won't get hurt anymore...THANKS for teaching me, i learn much from YOU...for so long, i have learn everything...thanks

苏打绿-小情歌

2007-09-25T20:42:00.001+08:00

这是一首简单的小情歌
唱着人们心肠的曲折
我想我很快乐
当有你的温热
脚边的空气转了
这是一首简单的小情歌
唱着我们心头的白鸽
我想我很适合
当一个歌颂者
青春在风中飘着
你知道就算大雨让这座城市颠倒
我会给你怀抱
受不了看见你背影来到
写下我度秒如年难捱的离骚
就算整个世界被寂寞绑票
我也不会奔跑
逃不了最后谁也都苍老
写下我时间和琴声交错的城堡
最后谁也都苍老

~chance~

2007-09-23T11:10:00.001+08:00

what are chances? what does it mean?

i hate this word so much...i really hate it till deep inside my heart. is it people have to be so selfish? they always like to accept chances from others, but they would not give out chances to others.

on the other hand, i am the one who is stupid enough to keep giving out chances....why the fuck can't i be selfish like others ( not saying I'm so great or anything). no matter how much i have being hurt, i keep giving chances in, hope it will be better, hope things will work out, the person ask for chance like no body's business. doing things without thinking about the consequences. when the person does wrong anything, all the person will do is ask for another chance...YES, and I am stupid enough to give those chances that the person ask for over and over again....

but as i said people are selfish, when it comes to me asking for a chance...just one more chance to fix things, that person will not give...on the other hand, the person will be giving a lot a lot of excuse....it's all bull shit you know...when you ask for it, i have to give, but when i ask for it, you will not give a single chance to make things right, instead, giving me lots of excuses....well, excuses and story, that's what you are good at all this while. forget it, i have tried my best, you don't want to make things work out than fuck it...i won't do anything more because I'm really fed up with your games and lies. it's so sick you know...FUCK IT...

i made and do according to me decision, which i don't even know is it the right way to do. but there is no turning back anymore. i said i will vanish from your life from now on, VANISH i will, i will fuck off from your life and leave the fuck away from your life. you can do whatever you want to do from now on....JUST FUCK IT

here, i really thank you for your so call understanding of me and treat me good with all your heart.... 'THANK YOU' ...

All Over..

2007-09-21T08:49:00.000+08:00

hahahaha...how should i start this???

nah, nothing much, 5 more hours will be my 4th paper for finals...but yet, still can sit down here in the computer lab in front of the PC...WWAKAKAKAKAK...

Am i happy? with all the laughter and all those shit, am i really happy in front of people? i really don't understand myself anymore...Cherrie ask me what's wrong, problem is i don't even know what the hell is wrong with me. i'm so confused, it's like i'm really lost, or probably i should say that i am lost...lost in this world where i don't know where to go or where can i stop down and take a rest.

hurting people is part of a life cycle. alot of people get hurt or being hurt by others evey single day. well, yesterday, i was the one who hurt people...i know is bad of me to hurt people, but do i look like i have a choice? i know, it's selfish to hurt others because of my ownself, but i have to do it in order to save myself from getting more hurt and pain, till now at this moment, i had enough of pain and suffer.

i made a decision which i never thought i will do it until this way, but than, i cannot regret it no matter what. maybe i will regret it someday, but things that have being done can't be undo, so i will just have to let it be as what i have done and created. there is no turning back

~LOST~

2007-09-20T03:13:00.000+08:00

Well, 3 exam paper has already went through...the remaining 3 is making me suffering of waiting for it to come. why the hell can't they just finish it up in 2 weeks, they have to make all of us suffer is it.

as usual, life carries on even this is how it have to be. no one can make you suffer except for your own self. ya, i totally agree to this. why do we have to make our own self suffer? is it worth for us to do so? sometime, not thinking so much or too far will make our life easier, but we human tends to think far. can't we just keep our mind simple and plain? i believe to those who have what they wan, yes they can. to those who makes other people life miserable, yes, they can life simple, but why? why must they make other people life miserable? some say they do intend to do so, but have they ever try to help the person fix it?

this is what part of my life is going through now. as i said before, once i know and I'm clear of what i want and what i need to do, but now, I'm so confuse. i don't know what to do, how to settle it. really, can anyone out there help me? or either teach me what am i suppose to do, please, please, please teach me. i don't want to carry on like this, i don't want to suffer anymore. seriously, it's so suffering and hard to put on mask everyday to face people. everyday you have to act as if there is nothing wrong with you, you have to act normal and happy with no problem. all I'm asking is to please let me be myself, just let me be who i want. i tolerate with you, whatever you all don't like means i have to change just because of you all, than who will tolerate me? who will change just because of me dislike. no one...answer is NO ONE

i really want to let go of everything, everything that i have to face even though i have tried so hard to settle it. i really have no idea how much more i can take it. now, I'm just like a time bomb ticking, waiting for the time to come and explode. i wish it could explode soon, or maybe even now, i just don't want to go through all this every single day anymore. I'm really so so tired, i don't have the energy to carry on walking. i just want to find a place to rest, to get away from all this problem. is there any place like this exist? if there is, can you please let me know because, i really want to get away from all this....please...

LOVE vs LIKE

2007-09-18T21:37:00.001+08:00

Never leave the one you [LOVE]
for the one you (LIKE)

because the one you LIKE will leave you
for the one they LOVE

True Love Doesnt Have A Happy Ending
BECAUSE

True Love Never Ends

仨人

2007-09-15T04:22:00.000+08:00

一个人的晚餐无聊寂寞
两个朋友能开心的直说
三个人可以给你勇气
可以安慰你的失落
异口同声地说
因为有你染上新的幽默
（新的幽默）
也因为有你世界变得轻松
（变得轻松）
我们呢属于非常难得
所以尽情大声唱歌
分享每一分钟
我们拥有一个真心的朋友
（我们是真心的朋友）
就算有风吹不走我们感动
（吹不走我们的感动）
真的希望你能够永远快乐
你懂我（你懂我）不用说（不用说）
最想看见彼此的笑容
heiye~~如果能带走乌云的天空
（你带走乌云的天空）
爬到云端我陪你继续做梦
（爬到云端我陪你做梦）
好想每天陪你看日出日落
你值得交换我
一辈子最想要完成的~~~美梦

TAGGED!!!! THANKS to you, SIU MEI :P

2007-09-13T15:17:00.000+08:00

oh my gosh!!!!
I've been TAGGED ! thanks to SIU MEI oh... blehhhhh

Answer everything, then tag 10 people.

10 people you love (excluding family)
- ECLC (don't bother asking me who is this k)
- LWJ(same, don't bother asking)
- Lesley(my best friend of 7 years)
- James(another best friend of mine of 7 years, together with Lesley)
- Chloe(my AH Jie, who is always there for me when i need someone)
- ce-yan( another friend of 6 years, james's girl girl)
- June(another AH Jie of mine from UTAR)
- Erin (secondary friend of 6 years)
- Hemin
- Cherrie

10 things you want to do before you die
- buy a super big house or villa for my parents
- own another big house for myself
- own a ferrari enzo or mistubishi EVO lancer
- find my true love
- have my own company
- go around the world
- have a steady job and income
- enter SUKMA for tournament
- enter malaysia open tournament
- make my parents happy

10 things you cannot live without
-music
-handphone
-my laptop
-my car
-my blogspot
-my family
-my friends
-my bed
-my girlfriend (if i will have one)
-money

10 bad habits
-sleeping late
-stoning in class
-last minute work
-smoking
-drinking
-clubbing
-speeding
-wasting money
-lazy
-

10 attitudes that turn you off
-childish
-FFK
-lies
-selfish
-

10 words to describe youself
-lazy
-EK (emo king, thats what my friend gave me, thanks to cherrie)
-fucker
-sucker
-have no idea anymore, sorry

10 favourite bands
-Tank
-Tension
-183
-911
-linkin park
-backstreet boys
-cheng E-Kin
-Twins
-nelly furtador (who cares how to spell :P)
-ne-yo

10 to tag
-chloe
-ponnie
-lesley
-james
-erin
-chai ping
-emily
-cherrie
-kenny
-apple

thanks siu mei, if u never tagged me, i won't be using this time to relax...thanks

~Broken~

2007-09-12T18:28:00.000+08:00

once again, hearts feel so super pain...those kind of pain, i really don't know how to put into words....really have no idea why i will feel this way...

maybe I'm just making another fool out of myself again, again and again...nah, don't even know why the hell am i emoing now...HAHAHAH...ya, anyway, today was my account resit exam paper...haiz...really think that I'm gonna fail it again...it was like shit wei...haiz...past already past, don't want to think la...

EMO??? why am i emoing? can someone tell me, the person who claims you really understand me well enough, where u everyday see me, can you please tell me why am I emoing? you claim you really understand me well enough, even i myself don't understand my own, how could you? well, it's never nice knowing things you never think of hearing or reading from. worse of all, you will free very very bad and upset when you think things starts to change and think there is hope, but when you hear the truth, it BREAK everything, i really mean EVERYTHING inside you. to me, that's what I'm going through now, but i just need time to let the pieces inside me to settle down. i don't wish for it to recover, because i know it won't...all i wish for is to let it settle down, as now it's falling inside. i really can feel that my whole person is totally falling, I'm really loosing it....i don't know what to do anymore...

when a vast is broken, we can just replace it with another one...but when a HEART is BROKEN, no one can ever replace it, for a heart to be broken, once it's broken, there is no turning back, especially when it is broken real deeply. attitude? personality? what are those? no one is perfect, that's one thing i learn about...but when people try to change, is it also mean that there is totally no chance? no chance at all to be consider about? well, can't blame anyone, just can blame myself...if you think that you won't consider about it anymore, so be it...all i need is time to let the pieces to settle down...that's all I'm asking...as long your happy there with him, than i should be happy for you...because deep inside me i know, no matter what i do, it won't change anything, because to you, I'm no one, I'm just a passer-by in your life who is willing to do anything for you without thinking twice...

but now, future, i don't think i will do this way to anyone else, because, this time, where it really breaks into billions of pieces, i have learn a lot of things...things that i never ever think of, people that i never ever meet before with those attitude, or thinking...no matter what, it's just all me alone who created it...nothing to do with you...just all me...just as usual, stupid, naive and idiotic....being all alone in the whole life is not such a bad things, as least don't have to bother about peoples problem...because her problems is not mine to bother anymore, it's those who is going after her...being alone, ya i admit, it's lonely, really really lonely, but at least don't have to think too much...now, all i left is my com and my this page of blog, that all i left...besides than this blog, i don't think there is other place where i can speak out...so, lets make this blog be my closes friend...thanks Blogspot, thanks for giving me a chance to release part of me in here...

now it's already late in the midnight, have no idea what to do now...just really want to get her out of my mind...now, tomorrow, forever....well, nothing much for me to say, so might as well just stop here...maybe will go clubbing or training on my own now...at least i know, while either one of this event is going on, i won't think so much about her...

Good night blogspot, shall talk to you tomorrow or when I'm free...thanks...Good night, and good night to myself when later if i could sleep...

~DEAD~

2007-09-11T12:04:00.000+08:00

yup, I'm gonna be so so so dead....final exam is just 5 hours more and I'm sitting here in the lab writing blog...wakakaka....

nah, don't even know why the hell i can't concentrate on studying. reach campus at 7.35am, went to the library to study. at first when enter, yes, i can study, but after 5 or 10 minutes pass, starting to have those laziness in me....OMG, it's just hours away wei...haiz...looks like i'm gonna fail this time too, which i hope it won't happen, but well, i know it will....haiz.,..

saturday, my cousin sister gratuated from UM, congratulation oh...her whole family came down from Johor, include my grandmother and aunty, who really really never come to KL for a very very long long time. morning, as usual, went for taekwondo training in school. sir drill us up like shit, was so tired because never had enough sleep the night before. than, suddenly Sir come and ask how old i am and to my other friend. he ask us to go for training on sunday at Shah Alam from morning till evening (whole day training, WTF!!!!) for prepare for the upcoming selection for SUKMA. OMG, SUKMA wei, it's like once in a life time opportunity wei...and i was like, Fxxx wei, i got charity to do on sunday, and now he come and say go for it...why la....why can't he tell us earlier...WHY....All this while only compete in MSSD, MSSS, invitation from club and National Junior Championship. SUKMA is one competition which i have always wanted to compete in, really hope this time i can get it. but to get in, it's not as easy as people think it is. it's a long, tired and suffering process. and not to forget, we have to sacrifice some other things for it. well, if really want to take part, than we have no choice left.

haiz....exam exam exam....and it have to be a 3 weeks exam. why cant they shorten the time and let us get it over with as fast as we can. why must they torture us. why? well, this is how life is, so just have to bare with it. friends? what are friends? do they mean anything to us? well, answer is YES and also NO. that depends on what kind of friends your talking about. for those who really care and really treat you as friends, than YES, it means something to us. but to those who act, talk behind your back, and all kinds of shit, than NO...i rather you FUCK off NOW. maybe what Jie say is right, for those who you once help and really treat them as friend, but when comes to some misunderstanding where they show you faces and talk behind your back, it's not worth to be frineds with this kidn of people. so maybe i will just listen to my ah Jie, don't think about it, let him or her be as they like, they can FUCK the shit off. i DO NOT CARE anymore, just so tired of it.

well, think i really got to go now, got to go continue studying before i really fail the whole damn exam and then have to pay to resit it again....to those who consider me as a friend and reading this blog, here i wish you all GOOD LUCK for your whatever exam that your having or coming...gambateh oh, study hard and study smart, please my friends, do not flung whatever paper, do your best...gambateh and good luck...

thanks Ah Jie...thank you

2007-09-08T18:47:00.000+08:00

hahahaha, just reach home after going out for don't know how many hours....really tired...but also can't sleep....haiz....

was chatting with my ah jie, Chloe...really long long time never see and chat with her already, really miss her very much. had a nice and warm chat with her, because to her, i can release everything without thinking of the effect. told her everything about what I'm going through in my life, university problem, and friends problem. i really like telling her everything, because i know, she will always help me, and give me advice.

here, i really want to thanks my Ah Jie, Chloe. Jie, really thank you for being there for me when i needed someone, thank you very very much Jie, i really appreciate whatever you say and do to me, thank you once again jie. hope you wont forget your didi me....

tomoro have taekwondo class than need to go some place....don't even know why am i doing so...is it worth? James say not worth...but to me, it is worth, for her, i will do anything, and i wont think that it is a trouble to me, hope she won't think that she is troubling me.

k la, maybe i should try to go sleep la...because ah jie scold liao so late still don't want sleep...must listen to her le, don't want to make her more worry...good night to all, hope everyone have a nice sweet dream...hope me too can have once nice sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day for me...night all

boring....

2007-08-30T23:49:00.000+08:00

start another day with a NO LIFE!!!!!

learn something for the past few days, when you don't hold things too tight, you won't feel so suffering as when your holding it very tight in your hand. eventhou I'm still suffering, but at least now I really don't feel as suffer as when i hold it tight.

to me, for the past few weeks, lots of things have been happening, i really don't know why, maybe this is what we so CALL life cycle. everynight before i sleep, i always hope that tomorrow would be a better day, but, it seems like it wont hapen at all. sometimes i really wish that i never knew those people, i rather i never know them and carry on with my life all alone as i used to be. but why i do have to meet them, maybe it's God wills, so than, i can't go againts it.

there's no one i could talk to now, now, i only left this blogspot and my handphone to release or say whatever i want to say. besides than this two place, i really have no idea where i can do all this. the person who i trusted the most, i can't trust that person anymore, because that person made me loose my trust. as what people always said, "the past will always hunt you no matter how hard you try to forget about it". once i was betrayed before, and now, i will never ever trust anyone, especially that person.

to THOSE who is making me suffer, if your reading this, here i would like to thank you. i really thank you from my heart...thanks

Born to make you HAPPY!!!!!

2007-08-30T18:13:00.000+08:00

Ohh my love
Ohh yeaa
Ohh yeaa

I’m sitting here alone up in my room
And thinking about the times that we’ve been through (oh my love)
I’m looking at a picture in my hand
Trying my best to understand
I really wanna know what we did wrong
With the love that felt so strong
If only you were here tonight
I know that we could make it right

I don’t know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy
Cuz your the only one within my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever you and me
Thats the way our life should be
I don’t know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy

I know I’ve been a fool since you’ve been gone
I’d rather give it up then carry on (oh my love)
Cuz livin’ in a dream of you and me
Is not the way my life should be
I don’t wanna cry a tear for you
So forgive me if I do
If only you were here tonight
I know that we could make it right

I don’t know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy
Cuz your the only one within my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever you and me
Thats the way our life should be
I don’t know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy

I’d do anything
I’d give you my world
I’d wait forever to be your girl
Just call out my name (just call out my name)
I will be there (and I will be there)
Just to show you how much I care

I don’t know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy
Cuz your the only one within my heart
I was born to make you happy
Always and forever you and me
Thats the way our life should be
I don’t know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy

I was born to make you happy

Always and forever you and me
Thats the way our life should be
I don’t know how to live without your love
I was born to make you happy

really wonder, was i born to make her and others happy? i really don't think i m...I'm just a looser and a bastard.

tired

2007-08-29T13:10:00.000+08:00

im really so so tired....who can help me? who?

what am i tired of, EVERYTHING...I'm really tired of everything, study, exam, friends and most of all, my life. one more thing I'm tired of is LIES from people. just can't believe it's all happening again. why does it have to repeat and repeat over again after for so many years, why?

just don't know that person anymore, not like how i used to know and understand about that person. now, it's like a total different person, just can't imagine how fast that person can change, or maybe i should say, all this while, so many years, that person is the same, just that that person is too good in acting till i can't differentiate which is truth of that person or which are not. well, as usual, I'm being an idiot and making a fool out of myself again.

just hate it so so much when people lie, especially when i have trusted that person so much once, but now, it really makes me wonder, is it all this years, what that person said are true or it's also all lies. once is enough, i thought that was the end of that kind of characteristic, but now, i really don't think so.

I'm really so so tired, i really need a place where i can really rest without thinking anything, everyday going campus, facing the same situation, SEEING some people faces, trying to force myself and say its ok, let that person be, but it's really hard and tiring, because, i really don't want any enemy, especially over small matter, but if that other person wants it this way, i can't do anything more, I'm so shit tired of all the lies people tells and faces that i have to see everyday...I"M JUST SO TIRED...please leave me alone...please, i really beg you, please....

我们的故事

2007-08-28T22:37:00.000+08:00

在你左右还有多久
怎么样才能让时间倒流
每一分每一秒都珍重
握紧的手不愿放松
十点半的飞机它在等候
不要再让自己的眼泪流
我必须要走
要记得
我们的故事真难忘
有太多的回忆和希望
不管它有多疯狂
我愿意一生收藏
我们的故事不能忘
太多的情节要发展
不要放弃
因为有一天缘分会继续
一定会继续
在你左右还有多久
怎么样才能让时间倒流
每一分每一秒都珍重
握紧的手不愿放松
十点半的飞机它在等候
不要再让自己的眼泪流
我必须要走
要记得
我们的故事真难忘
有太多的回忆和希望
不管它有多疯狂
我愿意一生收藏
我们的故事不能忘
太多的情节要发展
不要放弃
因为有一天缘分会继续
我知道你寂寞
一个人确实好难过
思念是一种痛
没有你叫我怎么活
身边充满诱惑
不坚定就容易犯错
你是否能看见未来的收获
你愿意在耐心等候
我们的故事真难忘
有太多的回忆和希望
不管它有多疯狂
我愿意一生收藏
我们的故事不能忘
太多的情节要发展
不要放弃
因为有一天缘分会继续
让我们一起演完

FUCKING LIFE

2007-08-27T21:52:00.000+08:00

life is suck...but what can we do besides than just accept it....

life goes on as it is, even thought we hate it very very much. things change, because of some stupid reason, hahahah, might just as well accept it anyway.

don't even know what the hell am i doing in campus computer lab, might as well just log in this page and write something...james, les, nah, im updating my blog ar...see see see

well, because of girls issues, things change and i got to know the real person, of how that person thinks. as usual, just being stupid, making a fool out from myself. tried making things work, but only than got to know, im the reason behind for whatever happen. this is what we have being so called friends. but now it really doesnt matters much, just have to let it be. one week time lost alot of people, include people who are far far away from me, but than, on the other hand, its also good t0 lost them all in one go better than every week im loosing them.

another thing is i really don't know how to face her anymore, now we are like total stranger...why do things have to be this way? why? who can tell me why...i really want to know...but than, to her, she doesnt even care, so there is no point of me holding tight to it anymore, sometimes i just wonder, why am i holding on, why am i trying to talk to her 1st when she doenst even bother...why cant i just forget her and carry on...why? why why? man, there is alot of why is my life...anyway, once i was all alone and than thought things got better with some new friends, hahahaha, was just a dream, now im back to where i started, one word, ALONE...HAHAHAH...nevermind la, this is not the 1st time friends saying that i lie or things like this, im used to it anyway, being alone...just have to bare with it now.

to those people out there, if you want to think that im a liar, than just go ahead, i cant stop you from how you want to think, so i will just let you all be. if you all think i am, than i am, if you think im not. than thanks....

another sunday....

2007-08-19T20:55:00.000+08:00

yeah, today is SUNDAY...hell ya, like no one know today is Sunday.

Well, just got back from Johor and it's really being a tiring weekend. Went back to johor yesterday after my Taekwondo training, haiz...can't go for my 2nd Dan...fuck man, all thanks to UTAR for the past 2 months putting class on saturday until i can't attend my training, and now, because of my attendance, i can't go for my 2nd Dan...damn UTAR...

ya, talking about johor, kind of enjoyed it, yesterday was my grandparents birthday, so we went back johor to celebrate. before dinner start, me and my dad went to my uncle farm to play GUN...hahhaha, damn wei, not toy gun o, but it's a real short gun. damn, first time shooting with a real gun wei, impact damn pain man, until my shoulder lebam liao....after that, as usual, we had dinner at home where we get people to come to the house and cook, so ya, was delicious...ehhhh, CHERRIE, if your reading this, don't kill me ok, how m i suppose to da bao for you leh, it's impossible right, so don't kill me o...1st dish, we got 'sao mee', than follow by a dish called 4 season where there got 4 different food in it but small small portion wan la....
after this, was my favourite dish, hehehe (cherrie is so gonna kill me) Shark Fin soup leh...hahahha, it's really being a long long time since i last drank that soup, wow, really delicious. than we got fish, sea cucumber, duck, piglet, and prawn....hahahaha....

during the whole dinner session, i was drinking like shit, drinking like nobodys business....maybe just took advantage of that time to drink hopefully that i would get drunk and sleep without thinking of HER. it's just hurts so much when everytime i think of her. as my friend cherrie said, let her go, no point me holding on when she don't even bother. well, did she ever bother or not, i won't know, but since the day she made things clear, all i know it hurts so so bad thats all...well, what can i do right, can't force her.

was nicely drinking beer than suddenly my uncle come and drink with me, well, as usual his style, BOTTOMS UP ( for those who don't know what does it mean, means drink the whole FREAKING drink till finish non stop). if he challenge me with only beer, i have no problem, worse of all, out of no where, comes a bottle in. GLANDFILICH (who cares how to spell) whisky, damn man, as we all know, can't mix beer and liquor at the same time right, but then, again, he challenge me. hahahaha...thought is to drink so i said ok i will drink the whisky, suddenly, he said bottoms up, i was like, what the hell, look at my mum and dad, they were like nothing to do, than just drank it down, and can feel that my lungs are really burning inside. than comes another glass, wakakaka...drank it also, can feel that my head was a bit spinning but didnt bother, just continue drinking, well, maybe just really want to make use of this chance to really for once not to think about her....but no matter how, it wont work, even after we finish the whole bottle, i still think of her no matter what, and i'm still not drunk yet, OMG, yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.....

today, woke up at 7 plus because dad woke me up, open my eyes, look at the ceiling, than wanted to sit up on the bed, WOW, my head hurts like shit...haiz, usual la, HANG OVER...mum look at me and said, 'dai sei' and i was like what the hell...hahaha, haiz, maybe what she say is true la, i really dai sei, drink so much also cant forget about her, than what for i drink so much right...haiz,...duno la...just seems like cant pull her out from my brain...who can brainwash me wei...who...arrrrrr...

never mind la, i stop here for today la, cant face the screen too long anyway, still kind of hang over n just now went for dinner with parents also drink abit d...now really having headache...so good night lo whos ever reading this blog...hope you guys and girls have a nice sleep....and hope i also could...which i think its impossible for me not to think about her...well, i will try...night night

~arrrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRR~

2007-08-06T13:16:00.000+08:00

Another day have just pass. Wasted my SUNDAY doing nothing but training. haizzzz.....

Time is getting closer to pass up my assignment and competition is coming, ngam ngam one more week. arrrrr....really scare i will lose even in poomse event la...i really can't afford to lose this time...please, someone help me!!!!

spend my whole day training most of the time. haiz, sprain my hand again, and now it's freaking pain. worse of all, now my knee cap also pain. wow, im really gona die soon. please save me someone, please...hahahah, like someone will.

i'm really so so tired. tired of? duhhh, of everything. everyday going through the same old thing, nothing have change. day and day same old stuff repeat by itself. Now i realise, acting and putting on mask is the best of all, even it's just for a short moment of time. at least at that period of time, i don't have to think too much, hahahaha....hell ya!!!

like someone is easy, but to forget someone is never an easy thing to do. sometimes, you think that your doin the right thing, but it turns our to be not the right thing, and by the time you want to fix things back its already too late, so what can you do? i guess it will be nothing you can do, all you can do is cope with it and move on. But is it that easy? well, i guess saying it out from our mouth is easy, but when it comes to doing it, its hard. Because letting someone or something go which means alot to you is really really very hard. i tried so hard to do it, but till now, only one word to describe it, which is FAIL!!! Told myself to accept the fact alot alot of times, but it just seems not working, why can't i just accept the fact that have being place by that person in front of my eyes, why can't i? is it becasue i really step too deep in until i can't return back?

well, no matter how long or how many times i think abou this, i won't get my answer, so why should i crack my head now to think (hell ya like i won't think) hahaha...ok la, think should stop here and go continue being myEMO king, heheheh.

here, i wish all the best to my friends in everything they do. as usual, hope tomorrow could be a better day (which i noe it's impossible), well, no harm hoping right, so ya, just will be hoping and wait to see what happen next tomorrow.

good night to myself, hope can sleep too!!!!

~tiring day~

2007-08-04T21:44:00.000+08:00

today is just another day. Again slept for only one hour, woke up at 7 in the morning, head was spinning like a wheel rolling on the road. as usual, drag myself off my bed into the bathroom, bath, and all, than prepared myself for taekwondo training.

Training training training....wow, it's been a long time since i really train together with my instructor n juniors all. Today Sir ask me and other junior black belt to go for next week Taekwondo Poomse Competition. haiz, this is something which i'm not good at, arrrrr....why me la???? Sir ask to go because he say take it as a training of poomse to prepare myself for my black belt 2nd Dan in september. arrrrrr, really scare, really scared that i will fail in the fitness section...aarrrrrrrrrrr....really can scream the shit out of me. hopefuly i still can training and get prepare by 31 August, and also really hope that next week i could win in the individual section.

For the past few days really feelling very upset and down, and now as she said, it seems like i misunderstand again...hahahah, is it always me? everytime it's also looks like i'm the one to be blame. I really don't understand why. Mayb it's really faith for me to always go through all this and been blame by others. haiz, really hope things can change. now, whole body pain like shit, slight movement also can feel it's so damn pain, haiz...long time never torture my own body to the max. the last time was in 2005, preparing to represent state for national junior campionship.

things really change but i don't know how to put it into word and say it. but i realize that i can't do anything more, because now, it's really beyond my control. maybe as she said, naturally, to her, that's what she always think of, naturally is always the best in her mind. i respect you, sorry for all the misunderstand that you said and trouble i causes you, really really deeply sorry.

Hopefuly tonight i really can sleep since my mind and body are really tired of everything and training, really hope can sleep without need to think anything in my mind, just hope this one wish could come true tonight.

~Friday~

2007-08-03T13:12:00.000+08:00

Friday, people should be happy about friday because after today they will have a two days off!!!!

Didn't sleep d whole night, only tuck myself into bed at 8 in the morning and woke up half an hour later. got myself prepared for 10am class, bath, brush my teeth, than only i realize my eyes was swollen like an egg (this is what you get for not sleeping for 2 or 3 days), got to wear my spec because can't put my lense into my eyes even how hard i tried. got my dad to fetch me to class because was too too blur to drive, can't even see properly even while was walking, haiz...basically just trying to make myself as tired as i can so that i can sleep without thinking about things that i have go through. got into campus, walk my way to my class, sat at one of the table, than friends starting to give comment on me, saying i look so different when i wear spec, swt...

since there was time, tried closing my eyes to rest, hahahaha, less than 10 minutes, lecture came in, friend woke me up asking who is gonna take d laptop n LCD display and all. got up from my chair, walk towards the lift, saw my friend took everything, and was really glad because i really very lazy to go and take.

class start, other group was doin their presentation, the class was so freaking noisy, and could see from my lecture face that she really very em song...but what to do, those monkeys behind are not considerate enough...

saw her today, but never talk at all. i don't even know where to start. after what she said yesterday, i will always remember those words out from her mouth. as she wish, i will make her wishes come true, if this is how she wants it to be, than i will just have to do it, as long she is happy with it. i can't do anything more, just really feeling very very tired