~Thank You guys~

1st i would really like to thanks Sze Hunt, Tian Yih, Ah Wai and Chris for celebrating my birthday...really never expect it from you guys. really thank you guys for it....thank you...

next, i would like to thanks those who have wish me by sms, msn or phone call....thank you all for your wishes...

~Finals Over~

yup, final exam is over...it was suppose to end yesterday but thanks to my stupidity, i have to re-sit paper, hopefully this time i won't flung it again...

everybody is so excited that finals is finally over, but than, i don't have that kind of feeling, weird right...don't even know why myself. thought after finishing my today final paper i would be like others, shouting and saying YEAH, OVER LIAO...but than, i don't have that kind of feel. probably there is just too much things in my mind which i really want to get rid of. i don't know...just want to get far far away from all problems. sometimes i really do wonder why human can't be a problem free person? why does the word PROBLEM have to haunt everyone? well, i believe only god knows....

well, whatever is done is done, whatever happen already happen, so, i might just as well get along with it. no matter how or what things change into, so just be it...if it's faith that i have to go through all this, than i shall go through. because there is no point hoping that things might change into situation or things that i want. it will only hurt me in the end. anyway, 2 more weeks, than i can confirm myself over some things which i have long long hope for. but just guess it won't goes the way i want. just really having a very very bad feeling about it...well, no point me thinking about it now, 2 more weeks, that's all it takes and i will get my answer to my question. hopefully things will change and could work out. no matter is it the way i want or the other way round, i might just as well accept it.

one month from now, i will be going over to Australia for my sister convocation. just can't wait for that time to come. gonna be there for two weeks that's for sure...after that, if it's really suit me, than i might, I MIGHT settle down there. at least i get to start a new life if i really get to stay right. put everything behind, no matter what, no matter who...just start a new journey and keep everything as a memory....hahahha...even now, i'm already taking things as a memory to me, because i know, no point holding on and hoping. if it's gonna happen some day, might as well just let it happen now once and for all...

tomoro will be going back to KL...erm...let's see, should i feel happy about going back to KL? hmmm...maybe i should, least i get to see my parents, get to go training, and go places i want...it might take me off from all my problems here...yeah, just can't wait to go back and be in my room which i can be alone in with...ALONE is where i belong...and i'm coming very soon...wait for me....

~Sepet~

just finish watching the movie Sepet with friends instead of studying....hahaha....suppose to study but than wasted my time doing other stuff....haiz...just really don't have that kind of mood to study at all....

never really like the movie Sepet, even i never watch the movie before but heard from my friends before of what the whole story was about. kind of regret watching the movie because part of it really did happen in me. about how he found the girl that he really love, about how they can't be together, about his past and what he is doing. about how his friend got whack just because of the main character and all.....All this really makes me remind of what i have been thorugh before.

friends getting whack just because of you, because of what you have done wrong, i really could understand about it. about how it involves the black side of the world, i really can still think about it of how much it really once did influence me and consequenses i have to bare and price i have to pay. it all comes back into my memory when i have tried so hard to let everything go and not think about it. but it just came back to me....every single details every single flash back of the past. i really feel very bad and upset now of thinking back what actually really happen and what i have done. sorry, upset and guilty is something that i will always remember.

why is it so hard to be with the person that we really love? why can't we happyly be together with no problems? is it really a must and a faith that we have to go through ups and downs just to be together? it's just like the movie, he hope that the girl will read his letter and call him, but in the end she didn't. than what is the point of hoping? why should we always hope for things that we know that won't happen. for what? making our ownself better by thinking positive and hoping? i really don't know. ever since things starts to change, i really don't know where i can be and were should i walk towards. i really just want to rest, i really just want to get away from all this. maybe i should really let things go since you wanted things to change. even tho i'm hurt because things change between us, but i can't do anything more to hold on. not because i'm afraid that i will get hurt, it's because i really scare that i will fall for you.

even now i don't find you and talk much, but i know, deep down inside me i still love and miss you a lot. but i can only do it silently inside me, i can't afford to let you know because i don't want you to feel annoyed again. so the only way i got is to keep it deep down inside me. that is the only way left that i got to love you.

I LOVE YOU and really MISS YOU a lot. even i know that things are impossible between us, but i'm just so stupid to LOVE YOU...take care

~Hope~

Hope, what is hope? is it a good thing to hope or not???

hope can be something good. that is if only when you hope for something or someone, and it happens than it is a good thing. but when you hope for something or someone, it turns out not like what you hope for, it hurts you so so much till you can't bare the pain. one thing i learn, never ever put too much hope in anything you wish for, because it will only hurt yourself deeply.

once i used to hope for a lot of thing, but in the end getting let down. worse of all, don't even know what actually happen when everything starts changing. sometimes i do wonder why did things have to turn out this way? this wasn't the outcome that i have hope for. the more i hope for things to turn out better and good, the more worse it will gets...hahahah...why? one or two times i believe it's a coincident, but it keeps going on and on, i believe it's not any coincident. because of HOPE, it let's me down. because once i was hoping something from you, it disappointed me. because of putting too much hope, in the end it just hurts myself.

how much did i understand about you? i really don't know anymore. the feeling is getting further and further and i can't do anything to pull thing back into like last time, because i know that it will only annoyed you. and because of this i don't put hope and hope that things will turn out to be better between us. i'm scare, i'm scare of getting hurt once again, because i really can't afford to fall now. this is not the time that i can manage to fall. no matter what, i have to stand strong, i need to keep walking, because i know that if i fall, if i cry out now, i won't be able to pull myself up and keep walking. so the only thing and way that i have is to keep on walking, keep pushing myself till one day i really fall. i can't guess your thinking anymore, i don't know what games are you trying to play, all i know is that i can't afford to play it anymore, because i know that one day i will fall back in love with you again.

if you ask me to read your mind and understand about you once again, all i can only say is i'm sorry.... because i gave up hope...sorry

手放开

我把自己关起来只留下一个阳台
每当天黑推开窗我对着夜幕发呆
看着往事一幕一幕
再次演出你我的爱
我把电视机打开听着别人的对白
也许那些故事可以给我一个交代
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏人怔怔看情感概
不能给你未来我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪流下来伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最后的疼爱是手放
开不要一张双人床中间隔着一片海
感情的污点就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最后的疼爱是手放开
不想用言语拉扯所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌写着等待
最后的疼爱是手放开
我把收音机打开听着别人的失败
啃咽的声音仿佛诉说着相同悲哀
你的依赖还在胸怀
我无法轻易推开我无法随便走开
感情中专心的人容易被伤害


letting go...this is what the song is all about...
according to this song, the best way of loving you is to let you go...is it? is that how it suppose to be? maybe i should really understand this song of what it mean, breaking up is another form of understanding. maybe i shouldn't hold on to you anymore, the only and best way of loving you is to let you go. even it hurts alot, but i believe by doing so is the best for you and that's how you want it to be ba...hope yours always happy....

~why can someone change so fast~

people change over time, this is one thing for sure. but is it OK when it's just two weeks?

it all started weeks ago, friend told me he was close to this girl, a girl who he just got to know for not long. they started to sms, talk and all. he said he know what he was doing is wrong, which i don't what he mean, but eventually he said he was being stupid and carry on doing it. as he said, things went on fine and happy between he and the girl. everyday they sms, talked, had fun, laugh and all. but things started to change since last week. according to him, he don't even know what went wrong till that they girl just stop being close with him.

last few weeks, they would morning massage each other and chat till they sleep at night, but now, non. yes, i really can hear and feel that how upset my friend is, could see that he really put his heart in and treat her with all he got. but out of no where, things started to change into like this. i really don't know how to comfort him. because i kind of understand that kind of feeling. he said he asked her why is all this changes happening, all she said is that she don't know. as days pass by, my friend couldn't take it, so he when and meet her face to face to get thing through and make sure what is going on. he said that she said, she just don't know how to comfort my friend due to some certain things between them. she said that she feel guilty and bad for what had happen. but he already told her that it's not her fault, she don't have to be guilty or feel bad, and he also never intended to blame her, i don't know la, this is what he told me.

but she keeps on thinking that he is blaming her for whatever is happening. no matter how much he explain, she just wouldn't believe. so my friend might just as well end everything that night, said, if she wants things to be like this, wants to keep the distance so be it, but he only will remember all the things she did and bring to him. kind of sad hur...haiz.... but than, today, he come and say, now only he know what the actual reason is, it's because now she is close with another friend of his where they always sms and all....hahahaha, i can feel that kind of pain in my friend and disappointment. i know that it really hurts a lot. tell you one thing but it turns out to be another thing. all i can say is no point getting angry, disappointed and jealous of. if she want's it this way, you also cant do anything about it right.

yes, we can't do anything about it, but if i were my friend, when i realise the actual truth, i can know that type of pain, of how it feels. it's just like stabbing a knive deep down inside the heart. pain that nobody can stand, feeling of pain and wanting to cry. but than, what to do, that's the truth, and nobody can change it right. one thing is that my friend say that he really miss those sweet time together with her and hope that things could go back like last few weeks ago. but the only thing that he don't understand and take it is that all of a sudden things just change like this and she have no feel towards all this changing. well, i can't judge people who i don't know right.

well, now is my time to talk. how can a person just change al of a sudden. it your saying that it already took like one month, than things start to change, thn i can understand. but if like this case, yesterday they were still happily smsing and chatting with each other, than the next thing he now, today he start to get the cold shoulder. is this really suppost to happen? is this how human should be? why can't people just choose to be honest? why must certain people be another person in front of you, and be another person in front of another? hahahah, human mind is really hard to understand. all i can say is, hurt and pain takes time to recover, even i know that you can't let her go, but you can't continue doing it because she already starting to feel annoyed but just that she don't want to tell you. since she is nicely enjoying sms with the other guy and she is happy with it, just let her be if you really love her. as long she is happy, i believe you also will be happy for her...i know that it hurts seeing her everyday like this with the other guy, but you have no choice k, because you love her, that's why you can only bare those pain inside you and not show it out k....put everything to THE END...even if you can't, just let it continue deep inside you and not letting her know...

~take care~