28th May 2008 is the day that i will remember forever....
it all started on the 3rd of April 2007 till now...it have been one year and one month plus time...it's not a short period of time, but now, 28th of May is where the story between us ends...should i feel relieve? should i feel glad? should i feel happy? i really have no idea...it just seems like there is no feeling in me now except than feel of crying...but could i cry out loud? who can i release to? now that i have loose you, can i still release to you and trust you like last time before all this happen? i really don't know anymore...
what kind of feel should i have now? i really don't know what to do or feel...all i know that it is cold inside me, too cold...a feel that i haven't have for a very very long time...last day of your exam, while we went back together, everything for just fine between us...and the next thing i know, everything change on the next day, and i have no idea what happened or what did i did wrong to you to make things change till like this....I can't be mad at you, but all i know that i am just disappointed...disappointed on you or myself? i think it's myself...but why am i feeling disappointed in myself? for what? my mind now is totally blank, whatever happen now have left me being a person with no soul...once again, you put me back into a situation where i have to put on a mask to face social...
maybe we are just not faith to be together, and it is time for me to accept those facts and things that i should have accept way long long time back....i'm a guy with no soul now and feels like a steam roller have just ran over me without feeling any pain...what's the point of me writing all this in here, will you be reading here...i know you won't, because you won't even log in in here just to care about me...hahaha...you will be the last that i will take it serious in relationship...you know why, because of our story, i already have lost faith and trust in it...because i have gave too much to you which now, hahaha, i know i will need a very long time to pull myself up and stands on my feet again...how many years will it be, i really don't know...but for now, just let me sink as i want to be...because i really don't have that type of energy to pull myself up anymore....
this afternoon was the last time that i will be caring and finding you on the phone, because i know, there is totally nothing in the future...even i wanted to see you, you have turn me down and not willing to just meet me this once...so all i can do is just respect you with this decision...i just can respect...this time, you really have push me too far away from you, and i know is time for me to leave your side because my job is done...as what i told you, i have a job in you life, once its done it will be the end, so now you believe me har...i have tried my best to help you get through some of you hard moment in Kampar...i have done my best and there is nothing that i can do for you anymore...
after loving you for so long, now it have to be the end, i really can't get use to it...but i know i have to do it, in order to make you feel better...this day is the day where i have to stop loving you in front of you, but deep inside me, i will forever love you, without letting you know anymore...because there is no point of you knowing...i will forever love you Evonne Chan Lai Ching...take good care and hope you will lead a better life from now on...our story with ups and downs ends right here as you have wanted all this while... THE END of a relationship that couldn't be worked out no matter what...THE END
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
~unspeakable feeling~
don't know where to start, don't know where to think...
3 weeks of semester break is where people will use it to rest and enjoy but to me, hahaha, don't think that that's what i have went through...i have no idea why did things have to turn out like this...is it i did something wrong or anything that make things to be like this? it just change out of a sudden that i don't even know what is going on...and than, out of no where we just have to end things??? hahahaha...this type of feeling inside me, i really don't know how to describe it out in words...or maybe i don't even know how to react to it anymore...it's just feels like a mixer mixing and stirring non stop.
is this called confused or mix feeling? for the past 3 weeks, i really tried to make myself as busy as i could...morning till night training, follow by drinking...non of it works no matter how tired i am...why can't it just go away? why things can't be the way we wants it to be? no matter what happen, i'm really trying hard to save things between us and i know your doing the same...but why things just won't work out? is this what Gods wants us to go through...i really don't know what else can i do anymore...all i know what there is a lot of thing i wish to say but it just won't comes out...and i'm suffering from it...i know, a lot of people will say that is me myself created all this to happen on myself...well, whatever...just want to express myself even it's in confusion...
i'm tired of walking...i'm tired of trying to put things back into pieces...i'm just so tired...with only 1 o 2 hours sleep everyday is ad slowly killing me inside...but, you won't even know and notice...but, can i blame you for not noticing...no, i can't....because it never happen since day one till now...it never did...
3 weeks of semester break is where people will use it to rest and enjoy but to me, hahaha, don't think that that's what i have went through...i have no idea why did things have to turn out like this...is it i did something wrong or anything that make things to be like this? it just change out of a sudden that i don't even know what is going on...and than, out of no where we just have to end things??? hahahaha...this type of feeling inside me, i really don't know how to describe it out in words...or maybe i don't even know how to react to it anymore...it's just feels like a mixer mixing and stirring non stop.
is this called confused or mix feeling? for the past 3 weeks, i really tried to make myself as busy as i could...morning till night training, follow by drinking...non of it works no matter how tired i am...why can't it just go away? why things can't be the way we wants it to be? no matter what happen, i'm really trying hard to save things between us and i know your doing the same...but why things just won't work out? is this what Gods wants us to go through...i really don't know what else can i do anymore...all i know what there is a lot of thing i wish to say but it just won't comes out...and i'm suffering from it...i know, a lot of people will say that is me myself created all this to happen on myself...well, whatever...just want to express myself even it's in confusion...
i'm tired of walking...i'm tired of trying to put things back into pieces...i'm just so tired...with only 1 o 2 hours sleep everyday is ad slowly killing me inside...but, you won't even know and notice...but, can i blame you for not noticing...no, i can't....because it never happen since day one till now...it never did...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
～其实你懂我～
你懂我吗？
你真的认识我吗？
其实，在这个世界里，
没有人比你更了解我
但是，为什么我们会变成这样？
是我的错吗？
是你的错吗?
还是，是我们两个人的错？
真的不知道，
从那一时刻，我真的深深的爱上你了
这是好还是不好的事？
我真的不知道
现在，你面对着很多的问题，
但，我却帮不了你
我唯一能做的，
就是安慰你，
尽量的让你开心，
但是我却做不到
为什么当我想帮你的时候，
你每次都推开我？
为什么你就不肯让我帮你？
我说过，我是不会丢下你一个人，
一个人面对所有的问题，
我是在保守我对你的诺言,
但，你一次又一次的推开我
我真的不知道我还能为你做些什么
有时候我真的很怕你，
你知道吗？
我怕你是应为，
你懂我
你太了解我
那天我骂你，
说你不可能了解我，
是应为我在骗我自己
我骗我自己说你不可能了解我的心
但是我错了，
其实你懂我，
是我伤害了你，
是我让你难过
在这里我想对你说声
对不起
是我的幼稚，
让你受委屈
是我的幼稚，
伤害你的心
对不起，真的很对不起
你真的认识我吗？
其实，在这个世界里，
没有人比你更了解我
但是，为什么我们会变成这样？
是我的错吗？
是你的错吗?
还是，是我们两个人的错？
真的不知道，
从那一时刻，我真的深深的爱上你了
这是好还是不好的事？
我真的不知道
现在，你面对着很多的问题，
但，我却帮不了你
我唯一能做的，
就是安慰你，
尽量的让你开心，
但是我却做不到
为什么当我想帮你的时候，
你每次都推开我？
为什么你就不肯让我帮你？
我说过，我是不会丢下你一个人，
一个人面对所有的问题，
我是在保守我对你的诺言,
但，你一次又一次的推开我
我真的不知道我还能为你做些什么
有时候我真的很怕你，
你知道吗？
我怕你是应为，
你懂我
你太了解我
那天我骂你，
说你不可能了解我，
是应为我在骗我自己
我骗我自己说你不可能了解我的心
但是我错了，
其实你懂我，
是我伤害了你，
是我让你难过
在这里我想对你说声
对不起
是我的幼稚，
让你受委屈
是我的幼稚，
伤害你的心
对不起，真的很对不起
其实你懂我
| 我到底是谁 在你心中占有怎样的地位 你不说清楚 你让我们的爱坠在七里雾 爱 很讨厌 总是忽近又忽远的让人追 追半天 你连抱歉 一句抱歉也不给 我向前走 低着头 眼泪不停向后流 一直走 不回头 希望你会找到我 但是始终不如愿 希望都落空 我仍相信 其实你懂我 我发誓千遍 我这一走你就无法挽回 虽然心会痛 总比受尽委屈还要更好过 我 等了等 脑海始终浮现你对我的好 好半天 你连Baby 一句安慰也不给 其实你爱我 一前 一后 你跟在我的背后沉默 Yeh…Yeh…Yeh… 前前 后后 希望你握住我的手 Yeh…Yeh…Yeh… Wo..Wo..Wo.. 我向前走 抬起头 擦掉眼泪向前走 一直走 不回头 相信你会找到我 梦里寻他千百遍 希望都实现 我不想走 无法心不动 我向前走 抬起头 擦掉眼泪向前走 一直走 不回头 相信你会找到我 梦里寻他千百遍 希望都实现 我仍相信 其实你懂我 | |
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
～伤～
放弃一个很爱你
的人，
并不痛苦。
放弃一个你很爱
的人，
那才痛苦。
爱上一个不爱你
的人，
那是更痛苦。
世界上最远的
距离，
不是我就站在你
面前，
你却不知道我爱
你，
而是明明知道
有感觉，
却不能在一起。
Friday, May 9, 2008
~is it wrong~
i really have no idea what i did was right or wrong...hahahaha....maybe i was wrong over what i have did and think...maybe what you say is right, should never ask anything in return...should never have...
but do you think that if i never ask anything in return we will work out? i really don't think so...ask or not ask in return things will also maintain like how it is as now...nothing will change...right...prove me if i'm wrong of what you said...
all i'm asking is a chance from you? is it wrong to ask so? is it wrong to wanna be with a person who we really love? maybe it is when the other person doesn't even like you and not having a single feel towards you...if things have to be this way so be it...i can't do anything about it anymore...because i know it clearly that no matter what i do, it won't work out or change anything...maybe i should just let thing be like how you want it to be...because i know, only this way it only will make you happy and relief, and not suffer anymore...maybe i should...
but do you think that if i never ask anything in return we will work out? i really don't think so...ask or not ask in return things will also maintain like how it is as now...nothing will change...right...prove me if i'm wrong of what you said...
all i'm asking is a chance from you? is it wrong to ask so? is it wrong to wanna be with a person who we really love? maybe it is when the other person doesn't even like you and not having a single feel towards you...if things have to be this way so be it...i can't do anything about it anymore...because i know it clearly that no matter what i do, it won't work out or change anything...maybe i should just let thing be like how you want it to be...because i know, only this way it only will make you happy and relief, and not suffer anymore...maybe i should...
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
~feel~
feel, this is one thing that i can't never get from you even after for so long of time....
one year and one month ago, if you don't have feel, i really won't think so much and try to do my best out of everything towards you, but one year and one month later now, it really makes me think a lot...yes, we are close, more close compare to you and your other admirers, but have you really think why...is it because you are slowly starting to accept me? i don't think so...ya, i could get the care and worries that you give to me, but one thing i can't have from you is your heart, worst of all is the FEEL from you, even a single bit...after for so long, whatever i have done and said, it just seems like nothing, can't even grad your heart and having feel towards me...HAHAHAHAHA, what a looser i am right...no matter what i do, what i said, how i change, it will change your impression on me, but it will be as a friend, it won't change your mind on you having feel towards me....hahahahah
i really don't know what else i could write more in this post besides than laughing...i really don't know...whatever i could do or said, in this one year and one month of us knowing each other, i already did and try my best, but it really hurt of knowing that it don't change anything....but you think i could straight tell you how i really feel...i can't....it's because it will make you feel annoyed and all....sometimes in front of you i really also do have to put the mask on to face you, sometimes i just can't be myself in front of you because i know that it will create argument between us, that's why sometimes i rather keep everything to myself and find other way to release instead of telling...but ever since that argument we had on the 2nd of May, i know, things will change...
things will change because i know the relationship between us is a dead end with no road to turn back...no matter what i do or say won't change anything...it will just remain as what it is between us, CLOSE FRIENDS...you know how hard it took me to say this two words to you that day, it really took me a lot of courage to say it out and make this decision...i really want to tell you how much it hurts inside me when i say this two words, but i know, i can't tell you...one year and one month, no matter what i do or how much i have done, you still don't have feel towards me, it's already enough to prove that i already lose, it's already proven that i'm a looser and useless...
have you really ever thing and hope that things could work out between us...have you ever try...i guess only you will know this answer...all this while you say the problem is on you, but have you ever try telling yourself and believe that things could work out between us? have you? maybe you did tried, but just i don't realize it, if you really did, than i'm sorry...maybe i really just want you too much...which in the end hurting you a lot...i'm really really sorry...is it you really won't give me a chance? it is between us is totally completely impossible? is it???? is it the only way and thing to do next is to let you go? i really don't want to let you go...i really don't want and don't know why...i just really don't know what is wrong with me...i just want to end everything like how i wanted to end it that night in front of you...really never wish that you had stopped me that night...why did you stop me? thought i'm trying to make you feel bad...i really never ever think of that...why must you misunderstand me...i really never thought of making you feel bad...i just want to end everything...
i'm really too tired of walking this road...that night i seriously already fall...but i know i have to stand up and walk out and face you as if i'm fine with it...but now, back to my place of loneliness....and i'm completely fallen down...i don't know will i be able to pull myself up like that night or not...i really don't...i'm just really too tired...i just really want to get away...far far away...and i know no matter where i go, i can't let you go...because you have entered deep inside me...way too deep...because i really love you a lot...i really love you
one year and one month ago, if you don't have feel, i really won't think so much and try to do my best out of everything towards you, but one year and one month later now, it really makes me think a lot...yes, we are close, more close compare to you and your other admirers, but have you really think why...is it because you are slowly starting to accept me? i don't think so...ya, i could get the care and worries that you give to me, but one thing i can't have from you is your heart, worst of all is the FEEL from you, even a single bit...after for so long, whatever i have done and said, it just seems like nothing, can't even grad your heart and having feel towards me...HAHAHAHAHA, what a looser i am right...no matter what i do, what i said, how i change, it will change your impression on me, but it will be as a friend, it won't change your mind on you having feel towards me....hahahahah
i really don't know what else i could write more in this post besides than laughing...i really don't know...whatever i could do or said, in this one year and one month of us knowing each other, i already did and try my best, but it really hurt of knowing that it don't change anything....but you think i could straight tell you how i really feel...i can't....it's because it will make you feel annoyed and all....sometimes in front of you i really also do have to put the mask on to face you, sometimes i just can't be myself in front of you because i know that it will create argument between us, that's why sometimes i rather keep everything to myself and find other way to release instead of telling...but ever since that argument we had on the 2nd of May, i know, things will change...
things will change because i know the relationship between us is a dead end with no road to turn back...no matter what i do or say won't change anything...it will just remain as what it is between us, CLOSE FRIENDS...you know how hard it took me to say this two words to you that day, it really took me a lot of courage to say it out and make this decision...i really want to tell you how much it hurts inside me when i say this two words, but i know, i can't tell you...one year and one month, no matter what i do or how much i have done, you still don't have feel towards me, it's already enough to prove that i already lose, it's already proven that i'm a looser and useless...
have you really ever thing and hope that things could work out between us...have you ever try...i guess only you will know this answer...all this while you say the problem is on you, but have you ever try telling yourself and believe that things could work out between us? have you? maybe you did tried, but just i don't realize it, if you really did, than i'm sorry...maybe i really just want you too much...which in the end hurting you a lot...i'm really really sorry...is it you really won't give me a chance? it is between us is totally completely impossible? is it???? is it the only way and thing to do next is to let you go? i really don't want to let you go...i really don't want and don't know why...i just really don't know what is wrong with me...i just want to end everything like how i wanted to end it that night in front of you...really never wish that you had stopped me that night...why did you stop me? thought i'm trying to make you feel bad...i really never ever think of that...why must you misunderstand me...i really never thought of making you feel bad...i just want to end everything...
i'm really too tired of walking this road...that night i seriously already fall...but i know i have to stand up and walk out and face you as if i'm fine with it...but now, back to my place of loneliness....and i'm completely fallen down...i don't know will i be able to pull myself up like that night or not...i really don't...i'm just really too tired...i just really want to get away...far far away...and i know no matter where i go, i can't let you go...because you have entered deep inside me...way too deep...because i really love you a lot...i really love you
~1 year and 1 month~
never thought how time could fly past so fast...and it's already been one year and one month...but after for so long of time, nothing has change, it just remains like how is was and use to be...
April 3rd, 2007 is the year and time where i told you i like you, but now, after one year and one month is where things went screw up between us...i really have no intention to put you into that situation at that moment of time because i know that you still have your exam going on...i really never plan to tell you at that time like how people thought i plan it...believe it or not, it just happen out of no where...i really just went over to your place to just have a nice simple chat with you, but than, as usual, things never ever goes the way i want it to be...all i can say now is i'm really sorry, sorry to make you emo at that time when you're facing exam and all the stress...i'm really so so sorry...
ever since stepping out your room at that night, i really regret of making the decision, i know i will regret it even right after i told you at that time, but i know, by saying that way and doing so will only make you feel better and not so stress about it...promise is a promise, i can't turn things back, no matter how much i regret, how much i want to turn time back, i can't go against the promise that i made...i have to bare the consequences of my saying and decision...
never ever thought that i could go after a girl who doesn't even like me at all for one year and one month. relationship between wanjun and me, 2 years plus, thought that was the most serious that i could be and i even told myself that she will be the last. but E really took over everything, things that even wanjun can't do or control...i really have no idea why...i really don't...really thought about it seriously, is it because i must get what i want in life or what, but to this, i really can answer to myself, it's not because i have to get what i want, but it's really because i really love her...love that i never imagine that could be more than wanjun. could i get over E like how i got over the pain that wanjun have put me in? could i really let go of E...i really don't know, i really wish and hope that i could have an answer to it...how long more this situation will be like this...frankly speaking, i really don't know, i really don't...how long more should i wait, or how long more i could wait???? i'm just too tired...i really just want to get away from everything....
April 3rd, 2007 is the year and time where i told you i like you, but now, after one year and one month is where things went screw up between us...i really have no intention to put you into that situation at that moment of time because i know that you still have your exam going on...i really never plan to tell you at that time like how people thought i plan it...believe it or not, it just happen out of no where...i really just went over to your place to just have a nice simple chat with you, but than, as usual, things never ever goes the way i want it to be...all i can say now is i'm really sorry, sorry to make you emo at that time when you're facing exam and all the stress...i'm really so so sorry...
ever since stepping out your room at that night, i really regret of making the decision, i know i will regret it even right after i told you at that time, but i know, by saying that way and doing so will only make you feel better and not so stress about it...promise is a promise, i can't turn things back, no matter how much i regret, how much i want to turn time back, i can't go against the promise that i made...i have to bare the consequences of my saying and decision...
never ever thought that i could go after a girl who doesn't even like me at all for one year and one month. relationship between wanjun and me, 2 years plus, thought that was the most serious that i could be and i even told myself that she will be the last. but E really took over everything, things that even wanjun can't do or control...i really have no idea why...i really don't...really thought about it seriously, is it because i must get what i want in life or what, but to this, i really can answer to myself, it's not because i have to get what i want, but it's really because i really love her...love that i never imagine that could be more than wanjun. could i get over E like how i got over the pain that wanjun have put me in? could i really let go of E...i really don't know, i really wish and hope that i could have an answer to it...how long more this situation will be like this...frankly speaking, i really don't know, i really don't...how long more should i wait, or how long more i could wait???? i'm just too tired...i really just want to get away from everything....
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