~shouldnt i be happy~

shouldnt i be happy about it when last night you told me everything? i should right, at least i got to know the truth...but i really don't know why did it go the other way round.

admit it or not, FEEL is what you are searching for all this while. because of this, it keeps making you change your mind, that's why there was yes and no. and because of friends, it also changes your mind. but if this is the way, that what else can i do? i really don't know. i have done my everything. when you said, alot of things is not a matter of time, than only i realize, no matter how long it gonna take, no matter what i do, it won't change anything, it will never develop, this is for sure.

i really regret on that night by saying no to it. that is something that i have waiting and wanted for so long, but why did i say no to it at that night? i really don't know since when i have change into putting your feeling up first instead of my own. people do always say, think about our own self first than only think about other peoples feeling, but why am i doing it the other way round? after what you have told me last night, yes, disappointed in myself is what i felt, but hurt and pain is the most that i felt at the moment, but i know i can't let you know, because you will only say that you regret telling me because i become like that, that's why i can't tell you.

what can i do? what am i suppose to do? i really don't know anymore. i feel so lost and confuse. now only i know that love is not a thing that people want to mess with. you always say that future can't predict, yes, i admit that. but i believe you and i, especially you, know that no matter how long things take between us, what i do, it won't change a single thing. all i can say is i lose to faith, i lose to myself. because of FEEL, because you don't have any feel towards me that made me disappointed to myself. after for so long, you still don't have a single feel, that made me lose to myself. that makes me hurt. i don't blame you for it, i don't blame anyone but only myself.....