~back for no reason~

well, here i am, back here in my blog with no reason. come to think of it, it's been really a very long time since i last blog in here. just feel that there is nothing much i want to say or write ever since ending the story. because i really tried my best not to think or bother about it anymore. i'm just too tired to carry on walking this path, worse of all, it's really tired and killing me for pretending and make myself think that i could let go everything.



it's been like what, almost 2 months since i ended the story. thought could go through it and lead on a new life, but once again, i failed. i know that i have been lying to myself for the past 2 months, telling myself that i could let her go, i could forget about her, i won't bother or care anything anymore, but i know i can't. it hurts everytime every minutes thinking that i really have to let go, thinking that ther is nothing anymore between us. if it hurts, why the hell am i still holding on? even i have made it The End in this blog, but i know that deep inside me, the story is still going on, i don't wish to end the story, i really want to continue on this story, i really want to continue it forever. hahahaha, but i know, it will be just a dream. a dream that will never ever come true or happen.



but why, why is it till now till today you are still not willing to give it a try? what is the reason that is holding you back? or is it really just as simply as what you said, you don't have any feel at all. probably i should just go with that reason of yours to start letting you go forever. but i know i don't want to let go, i don't want to end things between us. so what else can i do? really just love you silently? treat that i have let go everything on the outter me but d opposite in the inner me? for now i still can do that and move on, but i really don't know how much more longer i can go. i really don't know. how many more ways i could use or things that i can do to forget about you? drinking? tournament? training? i really don't know...maybe i should just let... let it be like this till i leave you far far away.


i remember this blog i wrote it in your room when you there, but i just don't want to post it in fornt of you, i really don't know why. but now, i think that i don't have to care or worry about anything more. maybe i should just do what i want and be selfish. but can i really do it? porbably now i can say i will, but when i face you straight into your eyes, i really can't. why? why am i such a failure in everything, especially towards you, why? 4 hours of training it's really tough and tiring...but at least i could really not think about anything regarding to you. why am i loving you so much for nothing? for fuck? or is it cause i 'fan jin', bringing all this problem to myself? i really don't know, i'm just really tired and can't walk this path anymore, i just can't.